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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23963749">State Of Grace</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlmostANormalPerson/pseuds/AlmostANormalPerson'>AlmostANormalPerson</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>High School Musical: The Musical: The Series (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Enemies to Lovers, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sad Ricky Bowen (HSM: The Series), Slow Burn, Smut, protective ej</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 16:15:28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Underage</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>24,943</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23963749</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlmostANormalPerson/pseuds/AlmostANormalPerson</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>One fateful encounter sparks a bond between the enemies. </p><p>Ricky Bowen wasn't sure what his life was turning into. <br/>EJ Caswell wasn't sure who he was turning into. <br/>Neither of them knew how this gravity between them came to be, and neither of them knew how to resist it.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ricky Bowen &amp; E.J. Caswell, Ricky Bowen/E.J. Caswell</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>98</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>159</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ricky</p>
<p>I didn't need this. Seriously. My parents are getting divorced, I already don't know how to feel or what to do. So the last thing that I needed was my ex-girlfriend being nice to me, telling me that I can always talk to her if something's bothering me. But we both know she ignored me every time that I did try to talk to her these past few months. No, I really didn't need this hot-and-cold thing with her. But we both seem to be stuck on it.</p>
<p>I rolled down the empty streets on my skateboard. Coming up in my mind was another thing that I didn't need. Guilt.</p>
<p>I knew this was all my fault. I don't know, however, why do I always need to constantly remind myself of that.</p>
<p>It was my fault for telling Nini that we needed a break in our relationship. It was my fault that I couldn't tell her that I love her.</p>
<p>And it was my fault that I went to her house. Even though I couldn't stand to see my own parents right now, let alone be in the same house with them. Going to Nini's was my idea. And it was a bad one.</p>
<p>The only thing that wasn't my fault was that Nini got another boyfriend on such short notice. Though, I was sure that, if I kept overthinking this, I'd find a way to blame that one on myself too. To be fair, I'm not sure what I was expecting after telling her that we needed to go on a break? Was I expecting her to just wait it out? That kind of wasn't really fair of me. I was overthinking it again. Another thing that I didn't need right now.</p>
<p>I felt the chilly winds of early November night scratch at my face. For a while, I just kept cruising the streets of South Lake City on my skateboard, desperately trying to clear my mind. It didn't seem to work.</p>
<p>Every now and then I glanced at my phone. Time seemed to move so slowly. 23:12, 23:14, 23:15. Every time I checked a clock I hoped to see the message. Or a missed call. Or an incoming one. I wasn't sure who I was expecting to reach out. Dad, or mom. Nini. I just hoped someone would try.</p>
<p>After a while, I realized that I was unconsciously going in circles. I must've passed by Nini's house close to a hundred times. Every time I did, I hoped she'd run out of her house and tell me to get inside. And every time, my hopes were shattered.</p>
<p>Only half-an-hour has passed since I sneaked out of Nini's house. It felt like days. Days filled with hope, and fear, and mind-descending-into-oblivion kind of feeling. Truth was, I had no idea what to do. I had nowhere else to go. I just planned on driving around until the dawn, then sleep through math class... and history class... chemistry too. Maybe ditching rehearsals...One thing was sure, going home was not an option.</p>
<p>As midnight inched closer, the night was getting closer, and the first sign of the rain started showing up. Great. Not to mention, I was only getting hungrier as time passed. Still riding my skateboard, I tried telling myself that it's not all that bad. I've always loved the way the air smelled after the rain. Even that fading sliver of hope didn't make me feel better.</p>
<p>I heard the car drive up the street behind me. This was the first one that I saw the whole night. It wasn't that weird, this was an extremely peaceful neighborhood, by which I mean it was inhabited by mainly old people who couldn't drive. Or stay awake past 9 PM, on that matter.</p>
<p>The car slowed down as it passed me by, coming to a full stop a few feet in front of me. All my instincts were screaming at me to run, but I was tired and angry, so I decided to hope it wasn't a murderer. The driver's door opened. EJ stepped out, visibly confused. Thanks, I would've rather faced-off with a serial killer right now!</p>
<p>But seriously, out of all the things that I didn't need tonight, EJ was at the top of my list.</p>
<p>"Hey buddy", I said with a venomous grin plastered on my face, "I'm so glad to see you".</p>
<p>EJ was still confused. For someone with a 4.3 GPA, the guy was mentally slow.</p>
<p>"Came to poison me", I said, "Guess that's how you usually deal with competition?"</p>
<p>"Why the hell are you outside? ", he ignored my sarcastic remarks, "it's well past midnight, and you have school tomorrow. "</p>
<p>"Well, you have school tomorrow too", I wasn't sure how else to respond to him, "and you're outside too".</p>
<p>"Well, yeah, but I have a car and I'm not a minor", he said mockingly.</p>
<p>"Oh, sorry mister senior citizen", I said, "why are you here then?".</p>
<p>"That's none of your business", he said gazing down. He was driving past Nini's house. I was sure. He always seemed creepy.</p>
<p>"Well, then, I guess this conversation is over", I said victoriously.</p>
<p>"Look, man, I know we have our issues and everything, and we're far from friends", he said looking up at me, his voice turning firm all of a sudden, "but I still don't want anything bad to happen to you so just go home".</p>
<p>Was that the genuine worry in his voice?</p>
<p>For a moment we both stood there in silence. I almost cried. Was I seriously feeling so low right now that, for a moment, I thought EJ was concerned for my well-being? The guy couldn't be honest to his girlfriend, why would he be sincere to his arch-nemesis.</p>
<p>"Look, dude", EJ spoke again, "the rain will start soon, I can give you a ride back home if you need". He stared at me with anticipation. "I swear I won't kill you", he tried to joke. It fell flat.</p>
<p>"Just leave me alone, okay", my voice was steady. I didn't need EJ right here, right now. I didn't need EJ in my life at all. I didn't want his pity or his advice.</p>
<p>I turned my back on him. "Anyways, it won't rain tonight".</p>
<p>Of course, it started raining the moment I said that. It started raining hard. The universe was fucking with me tonight.</p>
<p>The next few things happened so fast that my over-worked, sleep-deprived mind never got to process them.</p>
<p>I turned around to look at EJ, expecting to see a self-satisfied look on his face. When I did turn around he was still staring at me. "Get into the fucking car Ricky!", he yelled over the pouring rain. And for whatever reason, I listened.</p>
<p>Next thing I know, I was sitting in the passenger seat of my nemesis' car. The guy who stole my girl seemed to really wanted to give me a ride back home.</p>
<p>For the second time tonight, we slid into silence. I guess we were both registering what just happened. Even though we were in the rain for a short while, we were both super wet. I heard the raindrops beating against the roof of the car. I didn't even realize it was raining this intensely. And it seemed to only be getting worse.</p>
<p>"Where's your house?", he asked. With a corner of my eye, I saw that he had his gaze fixed upon the road. It made me feel better that he didn't look at me.</p>
<p>Still, I didn't like his question. Mom and dad thought I was at Big Reds. I couldn't ho back home even if I wanted to. And I didn't want to.</p>
<p>I felt like crying. I felt like the whole world was against me. And why did EJ had to be here, out of all the people in this world?</p>
<p>"Dude, just tell me", EJ said with a sight. "I'm giving you a ride home, you don't really have a choice". He turned to look at me. On his face, I could see that he was tired too. And was he crying?</p>
<p>"I... I can't go home", I managed to keep my voice from cracking. "I just can't, it's complicated", I added before he could ask any questions.</p>
<p>"Where do you want me to take you then? ", he said after a brief pause, "any other family members, or should I take you to Big Red's or...". I guess his mind blanked after that.</p>
<p>I couldn' t go to Big Reds. His parents were asleep, he was asleep too, and trust me, there is no way to wake up any member of that family when the sun isn't shining. Their melatonin game is just that strong. And I didn't really have any family at Salt Lake City. To be even more honest, I didn't really have that many friends either. At least not those that I could pay the visit at any time of day or night.</p>
<p>"I don't know", I whispered to myself. My voice finally breaking. I felt so tired and lost, and alone, and I don't even know. Just helpless, I guess. But I didn't cry in front of EJ. I decided to count that as a small victory.</p>
<p>For a moment, EJ was stunned. I could sense that he didn't know what to do either. After all, it isn't a secret that I'm not his favourite person.</p>
<p>"Look", he sighed, "I know we have our differences, I know we aren't friends, and we will never be". I could already tell that I didn't like where this was going. "But can we just forget all of that for one night", he looked at me, probably expecting my reaction. I looked away.</p>
<p>I heard him swallow his own words. "Do you wanna tell me where to drop you off?", his voice was suddenly surprisingly soft.</p>
<p>I didn't answer. "Okay", he said, starting up the car. "Then you're staying with me tonight". He didn't ask me if I was okay with that. I'm not sure if I should be thankful for not giving me a chance to say no to him. Cause I would've said no if he asked me.</p>
<p>We drove in silence for 20-something minutes, before arriving at our destination. We had to run from the parking into the old building that looked close to collapsing cause it was raining so hard. I was kind of starting to worry that EJ was plotting my murder after all.</p>
<p>We climbed a few stories up before reaching the doors that looked worse than I felt right now. EJ unlocked them and we walked into a small apartment that seemed to be pretty cramped. The main doors lead straight into what I assumed was a combination of a sleeping room, living room, and a kitchen. Inside, there were one door that led to the bathroom.</p>
<p>"I thought your parents were rich or something", was the only thing that I could say. I regretted it seconds later. But can you blame me? He drives BMW. And he lives in a place like this.</p>
<p>"It's complicated", he said sounding distant. I feel the sting of guilt again. Maybe I should apologize?</p>
<p>"What do you need for sleeping? ", he says before I get a chance to speak again, "you can borrow one of my shirts and shorts if you don't have anything of yours at hand, and if you need underwear...", he never finished that sentence, instead, he pointed at the only closet in the room.</p>
<p>"I...I have my that", I say, kind of blushing. I realize that I am soaking wet and that it's a good thing that I brought underwear when I went to Big Reds. I didn't really wanna borrow anything from EJ, hell, I didn't even wanna be at his place.</p>
<p>The catch is, I didn't bring anything for sleeping but my underwear. I counted that I can lend something from Big Red since that's what we always did when we were staying over at each other's houses. EJ was twp heads taller than me, so I doubted I could even wear anything his. In the end, I settled on taking a t-shirt, cause I wasn't really big on the thought of spending a night at my mortal enemie's place in just my boxers.</p>
<p>After picking out a plain white t-shirt I kind of looked at EJ. He ready picked his sleeping stuff and was starting to take off his wet clothes. In fact, he was already stripped down to his briefs, and he seemed to be ready to take those off too. I tried not to stare, but his entire body was wet, and his blue briefs didn't exactly leave too much to the imagination. I couldn't hide how uncomfortable I was.</p>
<p>He looked at me as if he was only now acknowledging my presence. "I... I'm....", he stuttered, "I'm sorry, I'm kind of used to changing in front of the others...Waterpolo stuff...you can change in the bathroom", he waved towards the doors, and I didn't waste my time.</p>
<p>In the bathroom I quickly peeled my wet clothes off, dried myself with a towel I found, slipped into my Mickey Mouse boxers, and threw on EJs t-shirt. It smelt like Jasmin.</p>
<p>When I got out EJ was ready to fall sleep. Standing there in his PJs he kind of looked like an oversized toddler.</p>
<p>"I... I'm not really used to having visitors", he said running his fingers through his hair, gazing at his feet, "so I don't exactly have another bed or anything, I'm sorry...".</p>
<p>"Oh, I'll just sleep on the floor", I said simply. I just hoped EJ made less noise than Big Red.</p>
<p>"No. No way", he waved his head, "look, we can act normal for just one day, just sleep in the bed with me".<br/>That idea seemed absurd.</p>
<p>But EJ already took his place and he was gesturing for me to join him. And I was so tired, and my life was such a mess. I just wanted to finally fall asleep. I just wanted this day to be over. So I lay down next to him.</p>
<p>The bed was small so our backs were leaning against each other. I tried to relax. For a while, I was too thrown off by the heat that his body radiated against mine. But I got used to it.</p>
<p>EJs breathing evened out quickly. I was impressed at how fast he fell asleep. Almost asleep, I whispered: "Thanks". Cause I knew I had to say it and I really didn't want him to hear me say it.</p>
<p>Instead of responding he turned around and placed his hand around me. And I was too tired to even care.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>EJ</p>
<p>When I woke up, it took me a moment to realize I was hugging Ricky. It took me another one to restrain myself from jumping the hell away from him and waking him up.<br/>
I separated from him slowly. I didn't like the guy, he was kind of my rival, but he was tired, and waking somebody up when they were tired was just too evil.</p>
<p>I stared at my phone. 6:09 AM. We had almost two more hours until school started. With a heavy sigh, I got up, determined to cook breakfast. I was dead tired too, but I didn't really wanna lay next to Ricky if it wasn't necessary. Plus, I liked cooking, it relaxed me.</p>
<p>I tried to keep quiet as not to wake him up. As soon as I was out of the bed Ricky started tossing and turning, and every time he moved I thought he'd wake up. He seemed to be quite restless.</p>
<p>As I was preparing breakfast (eggs and bacon, plus some grilled vegetables cause I had neither time or energy for anything more complex right now) I started wondering what was going on with him anyway.</p>
<p>Did he run away from home? Did something bad happen? He was close to Nini's house last night when I ran into him. Was he going to meet her? I know I was there cause I was trying to talk to her and fix things between us.</p>
<p>I stared at my phone again, hoping to see a message from her. Nothing. I was guessing my number was still blocked. I sighed and promised myself not to overthink it right now. I'll talk to her after rehearsals today.</p>
<p>I turn around ready to wake Ricky up, cause it was 7 AM a d we had to have breakfast and get ready for school. But when I looked at him I had to restrain myself from laughing.</p>
<p>He was all over the place. His legs were thrown one over another, and his arms were raised above his head in a perfect plie position. His shirt was up so his back and his stomach were pretty visible. And he was wearing Mickey Mouse boxers.</p>
<p>I snapped a picture quickly. I will ruin him. Well, once the things in his life calmed down I would ruin him. I felt kind of bad for doing that. He looked so peaceful. I was almost sorry for him. Almost. I'd just keep the photo for when things we were looking better for him. Right.</p>
<p>Then I'd ruin him.</p>
<p>I sat next to him. My initial instinct was to gently shake him so he wakes up. Then I remembered that I hate him. That's why I decided to yell at him instead: "Ricky! Breakfast".</p>
<p>Being loud worked wonders. He woke up in an instant. It took him a moment to realize his surroundings. He quickly sat up in the bed, fixing his shirt. "Nice boxers", I joked.</p>
<p>"Shut up", he shot back. He had no idea how I'll make his life miserable. As soon as he was a bit more of himself again.</p>
<p>I placed our plates on the kitchen counter and sat down. Ricky stared at me cautiously. In the end, he must've decided that I won't kill him, and took his place next to me.<br/>
He looked around the room for a moment, just to avoid looking at me. At least that's what I told myself. Deep inside I knew that this was not what he had expected my home to look like.</p>
<p>But things aren't that simple.</p>
<p>I wolfed down my breakfast while he was playing around on his plate. It was 7:15 AM now. We didn't have that much time.</p>
<p>"We're not telling anyone about.... this", Ricky said not lifting his eyes from the plate once.</p>
<p>"Of course not", got up determined to get ready for school. "This never happened, as soon as we get to school we are back to being enemies again", I didn't spare him one simple look either, "now hurry up with the breakfast, and start getting ready".</p>
<p>I picked out my clothes and stripped down quickly. I heard Ricky chuckle. "What", I turned to look at him. The asshole was laughing.</p>
<p>"Dude, what's up with you and stripping", he said, seizing me from head to the toe in the process, "plus you are wearing briefs, and you're making fun of me".</p>
<p>"Okay, first of all, I'm in a Waterpolo team, so being in my underwear in front of people really isn't a problem for me", I pointed out, "and at least I am not wearing Mickey Mouse underwear, and besides, why are you looking at me while I'm changing?".</p>
<p>He turned away, blushing a bit. To be honest, I really didn't mind stripping down in front of people, and I didn't mind him looking at me. It just made me feel more confident.</p>
<p>"Just put on some pants", he mumbled.</p>
<p>I did as he asked. "You could do the same", I poked at him since he was sitting there without pants too. He seemed to have realized that just then. He shot up from his chair, quickly found his pants, and put them on. I felt kind of bad for mentioning it then.</p>
<p>I mean, yeah, he made fun of me first, and he was a guest in my apartment, and really, I was just trying to be helpful for once so he actually acted like a jerk first. But he had a rough day behind him. And I felt bad for making him feel bad.</p>
<p>I quickly dressed up. "I...uh...look dude...", I stumbled on my words, "I'm so-... I...none of this happened, okay, you were never here, you hate me, I hate you, you don't know where I live, and I'm not mentioning your Mickey boxers, you're not mentioning my briefs... and we did not sleep together, and...".</p>
<p>"EJ", Ricky cut me off, "you're making this weirder than it's already is, just stop please, okay, just shut up".</p>
<p>"Yeah, right", I went for the door, "if you're ready we can just go now".</p>
<p>"Yeah, I'm ready", he almost ran out of the room without even looking at me.</p>
<p>The ride from my apartment to school wasn't a long one, but this morning it seemed like ages. Ricky and I only talked once since leaving the apartment. Even then, we were fighting if I should give him a ride or not. He didn't wanna be seen with me. I didn't wanna be seen with him either, but I also felt stupid leaving him to walk to school all alone. I felt kind of responsible for him now.</p>
<p>Even that fight was short-lived cause we quickly made a deal that I'd just drop him off one block away from school. That way nobody sees us together. After that, we settled into silence.</p>
<p>My day passed pretty much as usual. I had classes, tried to pass the time and then I sidetracked. My mind was constantly thinking of rehearsals today.</p>
<p>I wanted to talk to Nini, apologize once again. Maybe she'd forgive me for being dishonest.</p>
<p>Also, I still felt bad for making fun of Ricky. Dude was already feeling bad. Plus I took that picture of him. Maybe I'll talk to him after rehearsals too. If there's a chance for us to talk without anyone seeing us.</p>
<p>By the time rehearsals rolled around I already felt like I was losing my mind.</p>
<p>And rehearsal did not make me feel better. Cause Ricky wasn't there.</p>
<p>I'd love to say that I noticed that only because he has a leading role in the musical, and I'd love to say that I went about my business as usual. I'd like to say that I was happy he wasn't here cause it gave me a better chance to talk to Nini.</p>
<p>But it didn't work like that. His absence worried me. It worried everyone. The only difference was that I wasn't supposed to show it. Cause I was supposed to hate Ricky.</p>
<p>And I do. I do hate him. But I still hope he's doing okay.</p>
<p>I decided not to say anything, but I listened to what everybody else had to say. Big Red said Ricky was going to stay at his place but he snuck out. Nini mentioned that his parents are getting divorced, that he was at her place last night but ran away.</p>
<p>They were all worried cause he didn't want to tell anyone where he spent the night. I felt easier knowing that he kept his end of the deal.</p>
<p>"EJ, hey, EJ", Nini snapped her fingers in front of me. "I have no idea why you're so absent", she said, "but, do you wanna come with us? We're going to the skate house, that's probably where Ricky is, I know you two are not on the best terms, but he's kind of going through it right now...".</p>
<p>I saw where this was going. "I... I have to go home actually", I said. Part of me wanted to make sure Ricky was fine, but a much bigger part of me was determined to stop me.</p>
<p>"Okay", Nini turned away from me. She sounded disappointed. Great. Just great.</p>
<p>Rehearsals ended early, cause we were all just one big mess. All of the others went to the skate house, and I went home. And I'd love to say that that was it. But it wasn't.</p>
<p>Cause I felt bad. Okay, and I didn't even feel bad cause Nini was disappointed at me, or cause I didn't get a chance to fix our... whatever ruins were now left between the two of us.</p>
<p>No, I felt bad for Ricky. And I had no idea why? I didn't even like the guy. We weren't even friends. We were pretty much the opposite of friends.</p>
<p>We just happened to be at the same place at the same time last night. And I just didn't wanna be a complete jerk to him. And he was kind of forced to come with me cause of the rain anyways. I told myself that I did my part, that I wasn't obliged to give the shit about him anymore. What happened last night would stay between us, and we'd be back to hating each other. That was the deal.</p>
<p>But it didn't work like that.</p>
<p>I thought about texting others. Just to check if he was alright. But I felt stupid doing so.</p>
<p>In the end, I did the dumbest thing that I could imagine. I sat in my car and drove to the skate house.</p>
<p>I was feeling bad the whole day cause I didn't know what was going on with Ricky. I knew I shouldn't, but I was feeling responsible for him. And I couldn't fight it. Especially because now I knew what he was going through.</p>
<p>And to be honest, I didn't even know if he was going to be at the skate house. Maybe the others convinced him to go home. Maybe I'm just wasting my time. I few times I thought about making a u-turn and just going back home. But I couldn't do that. Why was I determined to do the right thing all of a sudden?</p>
<p>Yes, I knew this was the right thing to do.</p>
<p>I wasn't sure if I wanted him to be at the skate house or not. And if he wasn't? I wouldn't have to act as if I don't hate him. But what if he isn't there, but he isn't home either? What if he's wandering around the town alone again?<br/>
I tried to clear my mind.<br/>
I'll just go to the skate house, and if Ricky's there... well, I wasn't really sure what my plan was, but I'm sure I'll figure it out.</p>
<p>I pulled up in front of the skate house, which was this old warehouse no one used so the skater kids turned it into kind of an inside skate park. I, personally, was not a fan of the skate gang. Most of them seemed a bit off to me. So yeah, I didn't exactly fancy being here. But I had to check if that idiot was okay. If he was even here.</p>
<p>Lucky for me, I didn't have to go inside. I found Ricky sitting on the wall close to the entrance. I walked up to him, rehearsing what I was going to say. But I didn't get a chance to speak.</p>
<p>As soon as he saw me, Ricky jumped from the wall and started yelling. "What the hell are you doing here? Did they send you? You told them what happened yesterday, that's why they sent you right? And why the fuck did you come?"</p>
<p>"Shut the fuck up Ricky", I cut him off, "not everything is about you".</p>
<p>He seemed to be taken back for a second there, but he pulled it together pretty quickly. "Then why are you here, you don' t even skate".</p>
<p>That's it. I'll strangle him. I'll kill him. I sighed and turned away from him. "Nevermind. I don't even care", I said, starting to walk away from him.</p>
<p>But my subconscious must've realized I wouldn't be able to sleep tonight if I left him alone here. I came to a stop.</p>
<p>When I turned around, Ricky was still standing, staring at me, wondering look across his face.</p>
<p>I was glad he seemed to be puzzled by my actions as much as I was.</p>
<p>I took a deep breath. "Look, dude, I...", I tried to find the best way to say all of this, "I know why you don't wanna go home, I know what's going on with your parents... ".</p>
<p>"What", he almost screamed, "who told you!".</p>
<p>"They were talking about it at the rehearsal, okay, no need to yell at me, it wasn't like I was asking around, I just overheard it", I told him. Before he could pick a fight with me again I added: "and they said you'd probably be here, they invited me to come with them, but I refused".</p>
<p>"So now you came here on your own", Ricky's voice was surprisingly calm.</p>
<p>Silence fell over us. For a moment I hoped he'd say something, tell me to fuck off, insult me, laugh at me. But this was my silence to break.</p>
<p>"I...", I stumbled on my words, "I know we're not exactly friends. I know we usually hate each other". I found it so troubling to put this into words. "But, but that doesn't mean that I want you to suffer", I managed to squeeze out.</p>
<p>"Oh, that was so emotional", he said mockingly. Once again, the thoughts of killing him crept up in my mind.</p>
<p>I took a deep breath instead. "Look, I know your life is rough right now, and I know I'm probably the last person you want to talk to right now..."</p>
<p>"You're damn right about that", he whispered to himself.</p>
<p>"And we don't have to mention your situation ever again", I decided to just ignore his sarcastic remarks. "But I can't pretend nothing is going on, and I can't just let you roam around the city alone for the whole night", I was getting all fired up now, "so can we just burry axes for a while? Is that okay?". He just stared at me blankly.</p>
<p>"I guess, what I wanted to say", I calmed my voice again, "if you need a place to stay tonight, or you know, if you'd rather not be home these days, you can crash at my place. I know it's not much, and you hate me, but at least you won't be alone outside...".</p>
<p>"Why the fuck are you acting like this EJ? ", he said. His voice was flat. "Why do you even care?".</p>
<p>I looked down: "Why do you find it so hard to believe that I wanna do the right thing for once?".</p>
<p>For the second time there, we get consumed by silence. And I know I'll have to be the first to speak again.</p>
<p>I clear my voice. "So, where do you plan on staying tonight?". When Ricky doesn't answer I ask another question "Are you going home, or do you have another place to stay? And don't lie to me", I try my best demanding voice.</p>
<p>"No", he answers after a while, "I'm not going home". And I don't even wait for him to answer the second part of the question, cause I already know. Instead, I grab a sleeve of his hoodie. He jerks away.</p>
<p>"You're staying with me tonight", I say, "I won't debate this with you". He looked ready to protest, but I cut him off before he had a chance to: "I won't kill you, I swear. I won't even laugh at your Mickey Mouse boxers". Under the streetlights, I see him blushing and I instantly regret making things weird again. "And you could use a shower, you smell", I add, cause I, for some reason, thought that would be helpful.</p>
<p>It must've worked cause he agreed to come with me. Having him in the passenger seat on the drive home made me feel easier. Even if we didn't say a word.</p>
<p>When we got to my apartment things were kind of uncomfortable, but that was expected. I heated a pizza I had for dinner and Ricky and I were sitting at the counter. I was full, so I mostly watched him wolf down the entire pizza. Did he even eat today? I restrained myself from asking.</p>
<p>"Give me your phone", I said as soon as he finished eating. He eyed me suspiciously, but in the end, he ended up giving me his phone.</p>
<p>I started typing in my number. "Look, we might be enemies, or whatever", I said, "and we for sure aren't friends, but if you need anything, call me, understood?". I handed him back his phone.</p>
<p>He retrieved it with a frown: "Why would I call you of all people". I lowered my gaze. I knew that he understood, no use of picking a fight with him.</p>
<p>"Just go and take a shower", I whispered, "you seriously smell".<br/>
He rolled his eyes and I smiled. "Tell me if you need anything for sleeping".</p>
<p>"Well, I still can't fit into anything of yours except a t-shirt, but I could use one of those", he said sarcastically, "and I hope you don't mind that I'll be sleeping with you in my underwear again".</p>
<p>Now that he put it like that, it did seem a bit weird. But I didn't really think about that up until now. I live alone, I usually sleep in my underwear. Hell, I spend the entire weekends in nothing but my underwear. Sometimes, in summer, I don't even wear underwear. The only reason that I put my PJs on last night was that I was aware that Ricky was there and he'd be sleeping with me.</p>
<p>"No, I don't mind that", I say as I reach for the closet. I dig up one of my t-shirts and I throw it at him.</p>
<p>He goes into the bathroom, and I decide to waste some of my time on my phone. I debate with my self should I or should I not notify the theatre crew that Ricky is alive. I decide against it.</p>
<p>Then, I stare at the picture of Ricky that I took that morning, debating if I should delete it or not. I felt kind of bad for having it right now. And I felt bad for planning to use it against him. But I didn't delete it. It could come in handy one day. If he decided to ruin my life or something.</p>
<p>When Ricky walked out of the bathroom he looked paler than I ever imagined him to be. His eyes were red, I guessed from crying, but I didn't wanna dig any deeper than I already did.</p>
<p>He sat on the edge of the bed and looked at me questioningly. "So...we going to sleep or...", he finally said.</p>
<p>"Oh yeah, yeah, we are", I said as I went to lay down. Then I remembered I still haven't put on my PJs. I quickly stripped down to my briefs, throwing my clothes on the floor. As I dug through my closet to find something to use as pajamas, I felt Ricky's eyes on me.</p>
<p>"Dude, you really need to stop stripping down in front of me", he commented and I wasn't sure if he was joking or if he was serious.</p>
<p>"Oh, shut up, I'm not stark naked and it's not like you've never seen another guy in his underwear", I shot back at him, "besides, if you have a problem with it, just don't look at me".</p>
<p>After that he was quiet. I found old sweatpants and a t-shirt to use. I really hated sleeping with my clothes on, but since Ricky didn't have his pants on, I had to.</p>
<p>We lay down back to back. I could feel his body rise and fall with every breath. That rhythm made me feel strangely calm. The kind of calm I haven't felt in a long time. And so I drifted asleep.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ricky</p>
<p>I haven't had the slightest idea what the fuck was going on. First time that EJ offered me to spend a night at his place was weird, sure. But at least I understood why he did that. He happened to pass me by and decided he shouldn't be a complete asshole. I get that.</p>
<p>But he came to the skate house yesterday, which, by the way, is on a solid distance from his apartment. It didn't click for me, why was he being so nice to me all of a sudden. I felt as if he pitied me. That only made me feel worse.</p>
<p>To sum everything up. My life lost the last thing I believed in. That EJ hated my guts.</p>
<p>Come to think of it, it was sad that, for the past few days, the only thing in my life I knew I could rely on was that EJ hated me. Now I'm not so sure about that either.</p>
<p>Although, there's always a possibility that he was playing to gain my trust just so he could ruin my life later on.<br/>Honestly, I didn't even care.</p>
<p>And I hate to admit it, but his presence became so comfortable to me on such short notice.</p>
<p>Don't get me wrong, I still don't like him, but it just feels nice not talking to him but still having him there. It feels nice having somebody who doesn't force you to talk about your emotions but just letting you feel them in silence while also keeping you company.</p>
<p>The sheer absurdity of this whole situation occupied my thought for that entire day.<br/>I was on the edge of my nerves. Having him be this nice to me for no apparent reason felt like having the last bit of solid ground snatched from under my feet.</p>
<p>Seriously. EJ and I even had our second breakfast in a row without killing each other. That was something I never believed to be possible outside of the realms of fiction. Hell, I never imagined the two of us would be in a situation to have a breakfast like this - alone together - and murder-less.</p>
<p>EJ drove us to school again, and he dropped me off one block away again. Cause I still didn't want people seeing us together. Cause we still weren't friends. We were still very much enemies in my eyes. The only difference now was that I was now willing to recognize that he maybe had some good sides. Maybe.</p>
<p>Even in school, I couldn't stop overthinking EJs behavior. I tried to. I tried to focus on Nini instead. The two of us still had so much to fix between us, and I really wanted to mend our relationship. But today, thanks to the obscurity of my situation, thinking of Nini didn't help take my mind off of EJ. In fact, it had the opposite effect.</p>
<p>I would look at her, start thinking about the way the things ended between us, and the way we've been lately. Then EJ came up in my mind again, cause she was with him, and although they've broken up I had no idea if she was still feeling something for him.</p>
<p>And then I'd think about how EJ is a threat to my relationship reparation operation. And then I think about how he was nice to me these two days. And then I think about what he said to me when he gave me his number.</p>
<p>And then my mind goes like:<br/>WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?<br/>cause that's the only appropriate reaction to all of this that it can come up with.</p>
<p>Within that mess, I came to one important conclusion. EJ got one thing right. I shouldn't be wandering around the city all by myself all night.</p>
<p>Note that that was the only thing EJ was right about.</p>
<p>Now that I had time to think of it with a somewhat clearer mind, I didn't know what I expected? Did I expect me running away to magically fix this?</p>
<p>Maybe, on some level, I hoped that my parents would be so worried about my well being that they would give up on the divorce. I'm pretty sure I saw that happen in a movie once or twice.</p>
<p>Well, whatever. Running away won't solve anything. I need to go home today. And maybe talk to my parents. What else was there for me to do? I wasn't spending another night at EJs place.</p>
<p>Going home and facing the mess that the universe trusted upon me was a logical decision, really. Not so logical decision, that I have, for whatever reason, also made, was to talk to EJ after the rehearsal.</p>
<p>I felt kind of weird for wanting to do that, but he was really nice to me for two days in a row. And I really felt like he tried to help me just for the sake of helping me. It seemed as though he was genuinely trying. Though I wasn't sure what was that he was trying.</p>
<p>Nevertheless, she deserved at least a thank you from me. Damn, dude even drove to the skate house specifically to get me, even though he had no idea if I'd still be there. I wasn't sure what was going on, and the two of us will probably never talk again, but for now, he deserved my gratefulness.</p>
<p>Thanking EJ seemed like a good idea at first, but as the rehearsal inched closer, I started losing it. Maybe I shouldn't talk to him? And hell, Nini was going to be there, and if she sees the two of us talking without being at each other's throat... and if the entire club sees us acting normal... the balance of our universe will be disrupted.</p>
<p>Rehearsal dragged on. It lasted for an hour, but it seemed like a lifetime. Nini was weird, trying to keep her distance from me but still be my shoulder to cry on. That made me feel worse and appreciate her even more. Everyone else looked at me with pity. That part, I just hated. I noticed EJ sneaking quick glances at me. I wasn't sure how I felt about that.</p>
<p>After that mess, I decided to find EJ and thank him after all. Sure, I had to make sure no one else sees us being decent towards each other cause that would cause rips in the core fabric of the universe, but he deserved it.</p>
<p>Turns out the universe decided to solve that problem for me.</p>
<p>EJ walked in the bathroom behind me. I was in a bathroom because, well, just the usual bathroom business.</p>
<p>"Hey men", he said, "got a second?". He walked closer. I looked at us in a mirror. We looked as we were conspiring something. And we kind of were?</p>
<p>"Okay, this is a bit weird", I joked, "even by the standards of the past few days".</p>
<p>He quickly backed of. "Yeah, sorry", he sounded if he was in a hurry, "I just... I wanted to see if you were coming over today too, didn't know if you'd ask me yourself, and I had to make sure no one else saw us, cause...".</p>
<p>"Cause us being in the same room without trying to murder each other would represent the end of the life as we know it?", I nodded.</p>
<p>"Yeah", he smiled, lowering his gaze.</p>
<p>"I'm not coming to your place today", I said, looking away from him. I could feel his eyes on me. "I" m going home", I clarified. I looked at EJ for again, and for a moment there I could swear that he looked as if he was disappointed.</p>
<p>"Oh, okay", he managed to say, "then I guess... I guess I'll just go...". With that, he turned to leave.</p>
<p>As he approached the doors I yelled: "EJ, wait!". He looked at me with anticipation. I took a deep breath. Two days ago I wouldn't even imagine saying things. "Thanks, man", my voice was quiet, "for everything".</p>
<p>"No problem", EJs voice was low too, but I could hear a smile in it, "and if you need anything, you've got my number and.... yeah".</p>
<p>"Yeah", I echoed back. With that, he left.</p>
<p>After that encounter, however, another one was waiting for me. Sure, it probably wouldn't mess up the world the way that EJ and I establishing a non-spiteful relationship would, but it could for sure mess me up.</p>
<p>When I walked into my house I found my parents sitting in the living room. They were talking. I felt my heart break right then and there.</p>
<p>It hurt seeing them like that. Normal. It hurt cause for a moment I felt like no time has passed, like I was still 10 years old, coming home from school, and they were there, talking, laughing, waiting for me. For a moment, it felt like I was 10 again and I've never heard my parents fight or disagree about anything. For a moment there everything was back to normal, and everything was perfect. But a moment passed, and reality came along, determined to make it almost impossible for me to breathe.</p>
<p>My parents stopped talking when they noticed me. I lowered my head.</p>
<p>"You aren't staying at Big Red's tonight? ", my dad must've read my mind cause he decided to break the silence that was slowly killing me.</p>
<p>"No", I managed to cough out, "I decided to come home". Then it was silence again. "I'll just... I'll go to my room", I said slowly.</p>
<p>"Wait, Ricky", my mom said, "We...we need to talk honey...". She sounded like she's just been pulled out of a trance.</p>
<p>I sat next to my dad. I didn't really want to talk to them. I knew what I was going to hear already. On the other side, I knew that I had to get through this conversation. Both for myself and for them.</p>
<p>"Look buddy", my dad started, "you know that things between me and your mother...".</p>
<p>"Weren't great lately", I cut him off, "Yeah, I know all of this already, okay, I saw enough movies". They just looked at me, stunned. I couldn't really blame them.</p>
<p>"I know how these things go", I continue, "now's the part when you tell me how people sometimes fall out of love, how they separate, and how it's not my fault, how you don't know how the things will be from now on, but that doesn't matter cause you still love me..."</p>
<p>"We do", my mother said. I could see she was fighting tears. Now I felt bad for going off like that.</p>
<p>"We do still love you Ricky", my father jumps in, "both of us. And we realize that this is hard for you, but we know you're a good kid and...". That was the place where his words fail him.</p>
<p>"And we know you're a smart boy", my mom said. Tears were rolling down her cheeks. "And we know there's nothing we can say to make this easier for you right now".</p>
<p>"I'm sorry", I said. Cause it was all that I could say. "I'll just go to my room now".</p>
<p>"Ricky, we can talk about this son", my dad tried to stop me.</p>
<p>"I know. I know we can talk.", I tried to keep my voice calm. "But it isn't going to change anything. You' re getting divorced and that's the end of the story", my body was trembling, "I can't change that. And I shouldn't try to.".</p>
<p>"Look, honey", my mother managed to stop crying, "we know you're mad".</p>
<p>"Yeah, I'm mad, okay", I raised my voice, "I'm mad at myself, cause I'm acting selfish, okay? You two simply aren't making each other happy anymore. That's all there is to this. And I'm acting as if my feelings are more important than yours. So I am mad. At myself.". After that I let the dust settled. I tried to collect myself again.</p>
<p>"Now I'd like to go to my room" when I spoke again my voice managed to stay even somehow.</p>
<p>"Ricky", my mother said, "honey... there are some other things that we need to tell you".</p>
<p>"Susan!", my father cut her off, "not tonight".</p>
<p>"What, what else do you need to tell me?". I had a bad feeling in my stomach about this.</p>
<p>"Just go to your room for now", my father said.</p>
<p>"George, we'll need to tell him sooner or later", my mother gave him almost a pleading look.</p>
<p>"Tell me what?", I almost screamed.</p>
<p>"We will", my dad reassured her, ignoring me in the process, "but not tonight". He turned to look at me again. "Just go to your room, okay son, we'll talk tomorrow", he said, releasing a heavy breath.</p>
<p>Without another word, I ran upstairs. My life seemed to be turned upside down anyway, I wasn't even sure if I could take another hit.</p>
<p>When I got into my room I just tossed myself onto my bed. Closing my eyes I wished the world away.</p>
<p>I thought about texting Nini for a moment. Usually I talk to her when something's bothering me. But I decided against it. Cause people sometimes fall out of love. So what if that happened for the two of us? If we fell out of love? Well, if she fell out of love, cause I was still very much in love with her.</p>
<p>Another thing that bothered me was that I was starting to regret coming home and not going to EJs.</p>
<p>Sure, it felt a bit weird acting as if we don't hate each other, but he made things easier for me, for reasons unknown. When it was just two of us, I didn't have to talk about my problems, didn't have to face them. I could just exist, cause he gave me space to just exist.</p>
<p>For a moment I even thought of calling him. Asking him if he could come and pick me up. Or if I could come over and stay for another night.</p>
<p>Hell, my mind was a mess. But how could it not be?</p>
<p>My parents were getting divorced, and sure, they had a rough few years behind them, but a part of me always hoped they'd pull it together. For me. <br/>And now they were downstairs, acting like strangers and hiding secrets from me.</p>
<p>Then there was Nini, who might not love me anymore. A girl I knew since we were kids. And now, she might never be able to talk to me again, cause I'm incapable of emoting like a normal human being.</p>
<p>And then, there was EJ. EJ who hated my guts, but offered me to stay at his place for no other apparent reason but to do something nice for me. EJ who had his own fair share of secrets and problems. And who probably deserved something more from me. And I'd return the favour, I decided.</p>
<p>I took out my phone and decided to send EJ a message. For a while I was thinking of what to say. In the end, I just typed out a simple "Hey, it Ricky". <br/>He didn't have my number so I thought it'd be a good idea to establish that it was me.</p>
<p>I waited on a response for half an hour, and when nothing came, I decided to go and take a shower.</p>
<p>As the hot water streamed down my body I started overthinking again. Maybe he saw a message but didn't want to respond? Maybe he gave me his number and told me to call if I needed anything just to sound nice. What was I expecting anyway? He acted nice when it mattered, and now we're back to our old way of being. That was all there was.</p>
<p>He was just a decent enough guy who didn't wanna let me stay outside alone the whole night. We weren't friends all of a sudden.</p>
<p>When I walked out of the shower I put on my superman boxers. I was sure EJ would've laughed at me. A smile crept up on my face at the thought of his comments.</p>
<p>I got dressed and went to my room. I checked my phone again, and good Lord, I had something to see.</p>
<p>EJ spammed my messages.</p>
<p>-Hey, what's up?<br/>-You need me to pick you up?<br/>-Ricky?<br/>-You wanna come over?<br/>-Where are you?<br/>-Why are you not picking up your phone?<br/>-Is everything alright?</p>
<p>And then there were like 16 missed calls from his number. I full-on smiled for the first time in days.</p>
<p>-Everything's good. <br/>I typed in.<br/>-I was taking a shower, don't kill me. <br/>I added.</p>
<p>His next response came in an instant:<br/>-Okay, where are you? <br/>-Why'd you texted me?</p>
<p>It was kind of weird talking to a guy who stole my girlfriend like this, but I didn't really mind it.</p>
<p>-I'm home, everything's fine, no worries.<br/>I told him. <br/>-I texted so you have my number. <br/>-In case I can ever do you one back.</p>
<p>-Okay. <br/>His next text read. <br/>-I'll just go to bed now.</p>
<p>-Good. <br/>I replied.</p>
<p>For the god-knows which time that day I realized that I had no idea where this is going. <br/>For the first time in these few days though, it felt like something was going in the right direction.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>EJ</p>
<p>I hate to admit this, but I woke up expecting Ricky to be next to me. Sad, I know. I didn't even realize how lonely living alone felt. Guess you don't know that you're missing something you never had.</p>
<p>Sure, I had friends or at least people I hung out with, but I wasn't really big on inviting people over at my place. I looked around the only room in my apartment as a painful way to remind myself why exactly I never invited people over. My life was kind of complicated. Not that anybody knew that.</p>
<p>Another thing I hated to admit, my morning felt empty without Ricky there. Sure, we never really had a real conversation in the two days that he was here, but just his presence made me feel less alone.</p>
<p>And since I'm already admitting all the things I don't want to admit, I should probably note that my heart started racing last night when Ricky texted me. And I was sad when he said he wouldn't be coming around.</p>
<p>Turns out, there are quite a few things I don't want to admit.</p>
<p>I tried to clear my mind. Ricky and I weren't friends. We'll never be friends. I helped him when he needed help cause I've happened to pass by. Well, I happened to pass by the first time. Anyways, that was over now, and we'll never talk about it. He'll fix his issues and that's it. We're not friends. He doesn't want to be friends.</p>
<p>I looked at the picture of him that I took. Then I realized I was staring at it. Damn, I'll ruin his life I quickly thought, putting the phone away. Yeah, that's exactly what I do.</p>
<p>Walking to my car I took in a deep breath. It was raining last night. The air after the storm always made me feel better. I guess the world just felt easier like this, clearer. And this time it almost made me stop reminiscing. Almost. The weird thing was, I wasn't even sure what I was reminiscing about. Did I even have anything worth missing and wanting back?</p>
<p>The school day went by in misery. I kept thinking about rehearsal today. About how to fix things with Nini. Or if Ricky and I would ever have a somewhat of a normal encounter. I was starting to believe it wouldn't be the end of the world if we didn't hate each other.</p>
<p>Another thing I hated to admit - Ricky was actually funny. And he could sing. Plus, he's much better at songwriting than I am.</p>
<p>And so my mind kept drifting off to all of that. I tried to figure out how to talk to Nini, I tried not to think too much about Ricky, I had to restrain myself a few times from looking at his photo. And from adding him on social media. No one was supposed to know we were alone in the same room without trying to kill each other.</p>
<p>Then I thought of texting Ricky. He did text me first last night, and he said it was just so I could save his number. I instantly regretted that realization. Great, now I had another question I couldn't answer.</p>
<p>When the rehearsal finally rolled around I thought I might get some peace. I was determined to talk to Nini. And I was kind of hoping Ricky would find a way to get me alone so we could talk. Or at least say hi.</p>
<p>After all, it was too much to think that he'd ask to stay at my place again tonight. And I wasn't about to get my hopes up just to get disappointed in the end.</p>
<p>"Okay kids", Miss Jenn walked into the classroom waving jer hands up in the air like a crazy person she was, "everyone, sit down, we'll rehearse the songs a bit later, but right now I want to get through the Troye and Gabriela kiss scene, so I'll need Nini and Ricky over here...".</p>
<p>"What", Nini jumped up from her place, "Miss Jenn, I thought we already gave up on the kiss scene!".</p>
<p>"Well, Nini, our production needs to spice things up a bit...", Miss Jenn started explaining her messed up train of thought.</p>
<p>"No, no it doesn't", Nini cut her off. Realizing what she had done she waved her had and lowered her voice: "I'm sorry, I'm sorry", she stumbled, "but I thought we've already been through this and we decided that there wasn't a kiss in a movie so we wouldn't do a kiss".</p>
<p>"Well, I just thought since you broke up with EJ", Miss Jenn said, "I thought it wouldn't be that much of a problem". Damn, she didn't need to bring me up. I caught Ricky staring at me. He quickly turned his gaze away though, but he looked to be as uncomfortable as I was. At least I wasn't alone in my suffering.</p>
<p>"Yeah, but that doesn't mean I'm suddenly okay with kissing Ricky", Nini argued. She gave Miss Jane a pleading look: "Could we please talk in private Miss Jenn, one girl to another?".</p>
<p>Miss Jenn took a deep breath before gesturing towards the doors in defeat. She followed Nini out, but not before turning around and throwing us a warning look. It was her way of saying Don't you dare eavesdrop!</p>
<p>Naturally, we all gathered around the doors to listen.</p>
<p>I've heard something about girl power, love, and other stuff. Honestly, my mind was already all over the place, so following their conversation wasn't a top priority.</p>
<p>Sure, I didn't want Nini and Ricky kissing, cause I'd be jealous. But even if they did kiss, that didn't really change the way she felt about me. It wouldn't fix the rift between us.</p>
<p>Ricky and I exchanged looks. I waved my head and mouthed I don't even care. He just shrugged and turned his attention back on the ongoing conversation.</p>
<p>Ash walked up to me. I nodded as a sign that I've noticed her.</p>
<p>"What's up with you? ", she whispered.</p>
<p>"Nothing", I said, not even bothering to hide my confusion.</p>
<p>"Well, your girl might be having to kiss her ex-boyfriend right in front you", Ashlyn said, "it doesn't seem like you to not at least try to get what you want". When she finished talking she stared at me in anticipation.</p>
<p>I looked at Ricky for a moment. "Ash, I don't even care anymore", my voice was low. Ricky looked back at me, and my heart skipped a beat. I averted my gaze and looked at Ashlyn who was standing in front of me. "Besides, there's nothing I can do about it".</p>
<p>She was taken aback for a moment. "Well, that doesn't really sound like my cousin at all", she made her recovery, "we can talk when you're your old self again". With that, she walked away to join everyone else in their spying attempt.</p>
<p>But her words stuck with me. Who did she think my 'old-self' is? I'm the same person that I was yesterday. And a day before that. And last month. I did not change.</p>
<p>But deep inside I knew that something did change. Three days ago I'd make a scene just to stop Ricky and Nini from acting out a kissing scene. I knew that. Everybody in here knew that.<br/>But today, I couldn't care less about that.<br/>It was like a shift happened inside of me and I didn't even notice.</p>
<p>Miss Jenn walked into the room, followed by Nini wearing her satisfied face. It was clear that the kiss was not happening.</p>
<p>"Alright guys", Miss Jenn said, "let's start with 'We're All In This Together'".</p>
<p>The rehearsal flew by. I was singing and dancing on auto-pilot. Most of me was occupied with figuring out how to approach Nini after this, and hoping Ricky would try to communicate with me after this.</p>
<p>Then I started wondering why did I even want to communicate with Ricky. I had nothing to say to him. He probably had nothing to say to me.</p>
<p>It dawned on me then and there that, maybe, I just needed a friend.</p>
<p>Yeah. Sad as it is, when I thought about it, that must've been why.</p>
<p>It wasn't that I wanted to talk to Ricky specifically. I just wanted to talk to someone, I just wanted someone to be there. And it might sound pathetic, cause it is, but I wanted somebody to be there so desperately that I was okay with that person being Ricky.</p>
<p>And the only thing that changed was that Nini broke up with me, so I had no one.</p>
<p>I was still the same old EJ. Just lonely enough to stop caring about anything else.</p>
<p>I was thinking this theory over once the rehearsals were over. This time I let myself stare at Ricky while he walked away from me down the hallway and out of the school. And I let myself feel that sting of betrayal in my stomach, cause I knew what it really was. I didn't care about Ricky, I was just lonely. Hod did I not realize this sooner.</p>
<p>With the last of my strength, I walked up to Nini. She was packing up stuff in her locker. I saw her shoulders tense as soon as she noticed me, and I was certain that she was ready to tell me off at any given moment.</p>
<p>I raise my hands in an 'I-come-in-piece' gesture before she has a chance to tell me to fuck off.</p>
<p>"Hey", I say.</p>
<p>"What do you want EJ?", she raises her eyebrow at me. Courtney appears behind her, visibly prepared to tear me up as soon as I say something that would hurt her friend.</p>
<p>I take in a deep breath. This wasn't going to be simple. "What I want", I start off slowly, "is for you not to hate me".</p>
<p>He stands there waiting for me to go on, which I take as a good sign. "I... did some things that I'm not proud of".</p>
<p>"You sure did", Courtney snapped her fingers at me. I had to give it to her, Courtney was a great best friend, even though she could be irritating with her girl-boss behavior sometimes. Her heart was at the right place. Which I couldn't really say for myself.</p>
<p>"But I still liked you Nini", I continued, "and I still do. I know that I hurt you, and I'm not asking you if we can get back together, but can we at least talk sometimes?". We both stay silent for a moment.</p>
<p>"I miss you, you know", I add.</p>
<p>She looks away. "We'll talk okay", her voice is a whisper, "I'm sorry, but I'm not sure how to feel right now". With that, she and Courtney walk away, leaving me alone in the empty hallway.</p>
<p>"I'll wait", I yell behind her.</p>
<p>Ride back home feels too quiet for me, and the radio can't help me. It can be hard realizing that you have no real friends. Sure, I had the guys on my water polo team, but we were teammates not friends.</p>
<p>Back in my apartment, I thought of calling some of them to see if they could hang out. I quickly came to the realization that they'd all just blow me off. As I said, we were teammates, not friends.</p>
<p>It made me kind of sad. I knew most of these guys for 3 and plus years, and yet we never hung out.</p>
<p>That was just a normal part of the life of EJ Caswell - the guy everybody has heard about, but nobody knew for real.</p>
<p>For a moment I even considered calling up Ricky. I restrained myself from doing so. Because we were not friends, I was just feeling more alone than usual. And besides, he had his own problems to deal with.</p>
<p>I threw myself at my bed. I thought maybe I could sleep for a bit. That would help me feel better for sure. <br/>But as soon as I closed my eyes my phone rang.</p>
<p>I jumped up, reaching for it. God, was I desperate.</p>
<p>I'm not sure who's caller ID I wanted to see, but it definitely wasn't this one. Bitting down in my lower lip I picked up.</p>
<p>"EJ", my father's voice sounded over the phone, "how are you buddy?". He sounded cheerful. That was never a good sign.</p>
<p>"Hey dad", I tried my best to keep my voice emotionless, "I'm doing fine, just got back home from school". I wasn't sure if my answer was a lie or not.</p>
<p>"I'm glad to hear that", my father said. He had this thing where he didn't really listen to what anybody else had to say. He asked a question just to come off as polite, and then he'd get right down to business.</p>
<p>"So, anyway, I was thinking", his words made me roll my eyes. I was not at all surprised by this. "Will you be coming home for thanksgiving", he said, "your mother and I have some news for you, and some suggestions".</p>
<p>Now I knew exactly where this was going. I also knew that there was no way that I could get out of the thanksgiving situation. I tried to anyways.</p>
<p>"Well, I'm not sure", I tried to sound like I was checking my mental schedule, "I have lots of stuff going on with school, plus I have theatre and Waterpolo".</p>
<p>"Oh, you're still doing those", he cut me off. I went silent for a moment. <br/>"Well", he said, "your mother and I don't want to get into it, but you should learn what's best you". I wanted to hang up so badly.</p>
<p>"Anyways", his voice was all business right now, "we hope you'll come home for thanksgiving so we can talk then".</p>
<p>"I guess I'll see you then", I gave up on fighting him. I got my need to always get what I want from my parents. But they were much better at getting whatever they wanted than I was. So fighting with them was just a waste of energy. I always knew that.</p>
<p>"I'm glad to hear that", my father said flatly.</p>
<p>"Yeah", I said, "then I guess this is where I say goodbye". When he didn't say anything for a few seconds I hung up, relieved.</p>
<p>I fell face-first back into my bed. Nothing good was going to come out of this.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ricky</p><p>It was hard to believe that the chance to kiss Nini slid from underneath my fingers and I didn't even care. If I didn't have so many other things on my mind I'm sure I would've done my best to make that scene happen, that I'd create thousand interactive fantasies about Nini and me kissing and making-up right then and there. But I had other things on my mind. </p><p>Mainly my parents, and that thing they wouldn't tell me about last night. Also EJ. I couldn't get it out of my head, the way he stole glances at me during the rehearsal. To be fair, I looked at him once or twice too. Or way too many times, if I'm being totally honest. </p><p>Yes, I found this EJ thing unnerving. Whatever was going on between us was complicated. But I was sure it would come to pass. It's not like we're gonna become friends or anything. The two of us being extra nice towards each other was a one-time thing. Soon enough things will be back to the way they were. </p><p>Well, maybe it wouldn't be the end of the world if we stopped hating each other after this. Not that I wanted to be a friend of EJs all of a sudden, but I was starting to think we could be okay. We both liked the same girl, so what? Should we really hate each other that much just because of that? Whatever happens with EJ won't be the end of the world. </p><p>However, whatever it is that my parents aren't telling me might be. The thing is, me and my dad never hid things from each other. He and mom haven't exactly been the perfect couple for the last few years. Thanks to this, mom took every opportunity to travel for her job. That resulted in me being raised by mostly my dad. </p><p>I never really minded that my mom was more than a bit absent. I loved my dad, and thanks to that whole situation we built quite a relationship. So when he was the one who decided not to tell me something...well, the truth is that I was quite scared. </p><p>Cause I knew he trusts me. And I knew about the divorce already anyways. What could possibly hit me harder than that?</p><p>Once the school day was over I procrastinated going home for as long as possible. I hung out at Big Reds for solid 2 hours. After that, I sat on the bench in the park, thinking of calling Nini. I wanted to talk about us. I decided against that. I've hurt her bad, and I should give her space. I even thought about ringing up EJ so we could... like... hang-out or something. I gave up on that too, cause it was weird.  </p><p>With no other ideas of where to waste my time, I went to the skate house. The skate house was, arguably, my favourite place in the entire Salt Lake City. Located near the edge of the town, it used to be an abandoned warehouse. Then, 20-something years ago a group of skater kids painted graffiti all over the place and built some awesome skate-rings. The place was a part of the urban mythology of our city. </p><p>Of course, everyone was more interested in the East High, cause High School Musical was filmed there. I didn't blame them, I just preferred the skate house. It felt way more personal, probably because it wasn't televised. Or maybe because I had so many memories that led back there. </p><p>I remember Nini and me coming here together when we were 8 to watch the older kids skate. I remember learning to skate here myself a few years down the line. I remember Nini and me having dates here once that we were together, and I remember her coming to watch me skate. All of that seemed so distant now. I wasn't sure if Nini and I would ever be able to fix this. Even the thought of not having her around hurt me. Hell, we knew each other since pre-school, this silence between us felt devastating. I swore right then and there that I'd fix things with Nini. I needed her in my life, even only as a friend. </p><p>Inside I watched the people skate. Everything seemed to be going as usual. Kids were doing crazy tricks, laughing, having fun. I didn't feel like it. Did I mention already that my mind was a mess right now? </p><p>All jokes aside, I was too scared to enjoy myself. Even at Big Reds, I was so on the edge that I was even unable to play video games. </p><p>It wasn't long before decided to leave the skate house and face my destiny. Exiting, I caught myself expecting EJ to be there for whatever reason. I bit my lip. I wanted him to be there. Or rather, I didn't want to be alone. Cause facing this, whatever it was, made my knees weak. Being alone made it taste even worse. </p><p>Sure, I had Big Red on my side. We were best friends since forever, he was always on my side. But this was different. He had good intentions and wanted to help, I was aware of that. But he'd always talk and give out advice and come up with different theories. Although I knew he meant well, it actually made me feel more nervous instead of making me feel better. </p><p>And EJ, and this is hard for me to admit, had a calming presence. I never talked to him about my problems, he never offered me any advice. But, somehow, he calmed the tides of my mind. </p><p>Once again, I thought of calling him up. He said that I could call him if I ever needed anything? Well, I needed him now. </p><p>Of course, I didn't call him because calling up my ex-girlfriend's ex-boyfriend for emotional support was a level of messed up that even I haven't reached. </p><p>So I started walking back home. Alone. </p><p>Once I finally got home, I found my parents fighting in the kitchen. They stopped once they've noticed I was there. </p><p>"Oh, Ricky", my mother sounded upset, "we were just...". </p><p>"We were fighting", my father looked at her sternly, "our kid is not stupid, he sees what's going on".</p><p>Before they could go on with their bickering I said: "Well, can I know what you're fighting about this time around?". </p><p>My mother approached me. Taking a deep breath she said: "Ricky, sweetie, I have to leave tomorrow...it's for work and..."</p><p>"That's all", I interrupted. My heart felt a few tons lighter. She was leaving early. Disappointing but not surprising. Definitely not something I wouldn't be able to survive. </p><p>"And your aunt Hilary is coming over tomorrow with the kids", dad added, "they'll be staying for a couple of days, just to keep us company". </p><p>I couldn't help but laugh. Sure, I never liked mom leaving earlier than expected, but that was routine by now. Also, I never liked aunt Hilary much, and her kids were tiny spawns of Satan that much was sure. But that wasn't going to blow a final punch at my life. </p><p>My parents looked at me like I was crazy for a moment, I assumed that was because I was grinning like a maniac. "Was that your big secret?", I smiled at both of them. Powerful feeling washed over me. It was nothing. Nothing was wrong. "You know, you could've told me yesterday", I noted. </p><p>For a few seconds, we stood there. I was all smiles until I noticed the way the worry crept up my parent's faces. Slowly, shadows of the doubt swallowed my smile too. My heart felt heavy again, but at the same time, it raced so fast I was scared it would jump out and do a dance number on our kitchen floor. "That...was what you wanted to tell me last night, right?", I couldn't hide a tremble in my voice. </p><p>My parents looked at each other. "No buddy, it isn't", my dad came closer to me, placing his hand on my back. He leads me into the living room, and mom follows us.</p><p>Sitting down on the couch I give them both a pleading look. "Can you just tell me already?", my voice is a strange mixture of frustration and fear. </p><p>"Ricky, there's no easy way to say this", my dad says slowly.</p><p>"No.",  mom interrupts him, I should be the one to tell him". My father just slowly nods.</p><p>"Can someone just tell me what's going on already", I break, "I don't care who it is".</p><p>My mother stares at me stoically. "Ricky, few months ago, I was diagnosed with lung cancer". She lets those words hang in the air. At first, I don't fully recognize them. But they keep echoing through the house, getting louder and louder, making the entire place feel haunted. And they ring inside of my head, overshadowing every other mess that was going on in there right now. </p><p>I knew that I just sat there, stunned, with my mouth wide open, not even blinking. I couldn't move. </p><p>"They said it was diagnosed pretty late", my mother managed to keep her voice flat somehow, "I went into therapy almost two months ago, they said that it isn't too lethal right now, but I should have an operation...". Then I couldn't hear her anymore. </p><p>Every siren went off in my mind and from then on, it was just a deafening noise that devoured everything around me.  </p><p>Empty, I stared at my mother. I started noticing how tired she looked. Her eyes were glassy and drained of colour. I remembered the shade of blue that they used to be back when I was a kid. How did I not notice that she looked sick? Her skin was so pale, and her hair was filled with red streaks. She breathed heavy and her hands were trembling, and I was starting to see that it wasn't just because this conversation was stressful. </p><p>My dad didn't look much better. I saw him fighting back tears, trying to stay strong. </p><p>"Ricky", somebody said. But I couldn't talk to them anymore. </p><p>"I think I'm going to be sick", I said standing up. My head was dizzy and I felt like throwing up. </p><p>"Ricky", my dad stood up taking hold of my shoulder. He shook me firmly. "Ricky", he yelled at me again. I heard him. But I couldn't talk to him. No, I could only talk to the voices dancing inside my head. </p><p>"You should go to your room sweetheart, try to fall asleep", I've heard my mother whisper. How could she stay this calm? She was the one dying here. </p><p>"No, no I can't", I got out of my dad's grip, I'll just go". I run for the doors before they could say anything. "I'm sorry", I screamed as I shut the doors behind me. </p><p>Then I was running. My legs hurt, I forgot how to breathe, and my head exploded with silent screams. But I kept on running. Trying to run away from my problems.</p><p>Then I stopped. Catching my breath I realized that I'm not far from the skate house. I ran for almost 5 kilometers. No wonder I couldn't feel my legs. I sat on the closest wall and threw my head up. The world was spinning restlessly around me. </p><p>I was the worst son ever. God, was I selfish. I made a show out of my parents getting a divorce and refused to stay at my own house if they didn't give up on that. And it wasn't just these few days. I constantly made their relationship crumbling my problem. And I made it harder on both of them too. </p><p>And to think that all this time my mom was dying. If I could I would scream at myself. </p><p>Instead, I took out my phone and called my father, but not before noticing what must've been a hundred missed calls from both of my parents. </p><p>When my dad picked up I was first to say something: "I'm fine". He waited for a further explanation and I had to think about what to say for a moment. "I'm sorry that I acted like that", I said, keeping my voice low, "It was just... it was a hard pill to swallow".</p><p>"It's okay Ricky, I get it", my dad reassured me, "where are you, I'll come to pick you up".</p><p>"No, don't", I said quickly. I couldn't go back home. "I'm already at Big Reds, I'll stay there tonight", I lied. Thinking it over, I added: "Don't worry about me. I'll be okay. Promise. I just...I just think you and mom should spend some time alone".  </p><p>My dad was silent for a moment before exhaling in defeat. "Alright. Just... don't forget to call me tomorrow". I mumbled up a quick okay, cause I couldn't bring to talk to him anymore. Still, my dad was the best. And I felt sorry for leaving him to deal with this on his own, but I couldn't do it. </p><p>And I really thought I should leave my parents alone right now. </p><p>Love is complicated. Sometimes, forevers can break in a heartbeat, some crush and burn over 5 long years. But I firmly believed that you could never stop fully loving somebody. Love sometimes faded away, but could never be erased in its entirety. </p><p>I needed to leave them alone so that they could hold on to the bits and pieces of love that were left. I believed that would help them both through this. And for once, I didn't wanna be selfish and make their lives all about myself. </p><p>But there was no chance I'd go to Big Reds. And I'm most definitely not turning to EJ. I didn't want to be a problem for either of them. So I found the closest park, sat on the bench and listened to the cars drive by. </p><p>While I was hoping that the world could somehow disappear and make all of this easier I didn't even notice police car parking a few feet away. When two police officers materialized in front of me it was too late for me to run and hide. </p><p>I still wasn't able to follow a conversation, but I did note a few things that they said. That it was well past midnight and I shouldn't be alone in this part of the town. They asked me if I was alone. Then they asked me if I was doing drugs. I kind of remember that I answered both questions negatively. Before I could process anything else that was happening they got me into the car and a few minutes later we were at the station.</p><p>Once there they started asking why was I outside, but I couldn't answer. They were pretty calm. At one point another guy came in stating that I don't have a criminal record. One of the officers told me that they'd let me off with a warning, but only because I wasn't recorded to be problematic. </p><p>They told me to call my parents to come and get me. </p><p>"I can't", I said with a shaky voice, "I can't go home". </p><p>The two officers exchanged concerned looks. "My mom has cancer", I blurted out, "I don't wanna go home tonight". I didn't want to tell this to these people, but they were giving me suspicious stares and I could tell that they were getting the wrong idea. And I really didn't want to go home. </p><p>On the other hand, I didn't want to spend the night at the police station either. </p><p>My hand reached for my phone. "I can call a friend to come and get me". The two men just stared at me while I frantically searched my phonebook. </p><p>When I've heard EJ pick up I didn't waste any time. I started explaining what was going on, skipping over the part where my mom was dying and I ran away from home. Instead, I told him that I was practically arrested, that I was at the police station. Then I asked him to come to pick me up. Then he hung up. Then it dawned on me that I've just called my biggest enemy to come and, basically, get me out of the prison. You're not even arrested, you moron my subconsciousness told me. It was right, but it was still weird that I called EJ. I looked down at my phone. It was exactly 1 AM.  If he stopped hating me for whatever reason, he'll be back at it after this for sure. </p><p>I waited for a while, trying not to listen in on the conversation that was happening between two officers. I was still processing what was going on. I found out that my mom has cancer. I ran from home. They took me to the police station. After all of that, the first person that I thought of calling was, for some reason, EJ. Maybe he wouldn't come? Maybe I woke him up, told him what was going on, and then he decided that I was an idiot and that he should just go back to sleep. </p><p>Just when I managed to convince myself that EJ won't come, he walked through the doors. He was visibly disheveled and didn't even look at me. Instead, he talked to the officers for a while, shown them his ID. After a while they seemed to have reached an agreement, EJ threw me a quick glance and gestured for me to follow him. And so I did. </p><p>In the car we were silent. I was going over this situation in my mind. I was sure that he was asleep when I called him. I wasn't sure if we still hated each other or not, but we were definitely not friends. And I called him from the police station at 1 AM. Come to think of it, maybe he came to pick me up just so he could kill me himself.  But he did come and pick me up, which was one thing that, strangely, made me feel a bit better about this. </p><p>We walked up to his apartment in silence. On his face, I saw that he was equally mad and tired. That was, in my experience, never a good mixture. </p><p>Once we walked in, EJ walked up to his closet, took a shirt out, and threw it at me. He didn't even bother to talk to me. I stared at him as he stripped down to his underwear. </p><p>"I didn't do anything", I said without thinking, "really". For some reason, I couldn't stand him being mad at me. </p><p>He turned around to look at me for the first time that night. "You were taken into the police station, Ricky", his voice was cold. "I don't even know what I want to tell you", he frowned. </p><p>"Look, I...", I tried to say. </p><p>"Just shut up Ricky", he raised his voice, "okay, just shut up. You were outside alone in the middle of the night. And I don't know what's going on with you, I really don't want to get into it cause I know that we're not friends or anything, but I told you to give me a call if you need anything".</p><p>"I did call you", I noted. </p><p>"Yes, after you got taken into custody", he yelled this time. Bringing his voice lower he said: "I don't even know what to think. Please, can we just go to sleep?". </p><p>He just stood there, staring at me. Under the dimmed light of his room, he seemed even more tired. And he was just standing there, tall, lean and muscular. It crossed my mind that he was wearing only his underwear. But I quickly shrugged that thought off, cause his eyes caught me off guard. He seemed to be as confused by all of this as I was. </p><p>"My mom was diagnosed with cancer", I blurted this out for the second time tonight. He stood there stunned for a moment. "They told me that today", I went on, "that's...that's why I was outside". I stared down at my feet. Hearing all of that come out of my mouth made it that much more real. But I felt the need to say this to EJ. "Just... don't spread it, okay?", I added after a while. </p><p>I felt him sit down beside me, but I didn't dare face him. Tears were burning in my chest. I was just now coming to terms with all of this. It was all real. I wasn't going to cry. </p><p>I felt EJs hand linger over my shoulder. I just knew that he was looking for the right thing to say. I wasn't going to cry. </p><p>"I'm sorry", EJs voice shivered. "Ricky", I could barely hear him from the ringing in my ears, "Ricky, buddy, look at me". And I did. I faced him, and, for the moment, he looked ready to say something. Instead, he pulled me in closer. He wrapped his arms around me slowly and placed my head on his chest. And I broke my promise. I started sobbing like a little baby. </p><p>I was shaking in EJs arms, and neither of us said a word. It lasted for a while. I wasn't sure what was going on, but we ended up under the covers of his bed, his hands still wrapped around me, his heartbeat still the only thing that was calming me down. </p><p>In the back of my mind, I realized that I was wearing his t-shirt and I had no pants on. But I didn't care about that. Instead, I dug my head deeper into his chest and gripped my arms tighter around him. He smelled off lavender. </p><p>The world was still running circles around me, and EJ was the only solid thing that I could hold on to. So I did. I felt his lips press against my forehead. They stayed there. After a while, I calmed down. And it wasn't a good kind of calm. It was an I-am-too-worn-out-to-face-the-world-any-longer. So I tried to forget about the world. Instead, I focused on EJs heartbeat. And, I want to admit this, it helped me feel a little bit better.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>EJ</p>
<p>When Ricky called me tonight, I swear that my heart stopped for a moment. He sounded so lost while he explained where he was and what was going on. I didn't even think about it - I got into my car and made my way to the police station with one simple plan forming in my mind - I will kill him.</p>
<p>Then I walked in there and saw him. He looked so much smaller than he is. He looked lonely. I didn't know what to say or do. So I took him home with me. As he had asked.</p>
<p>I swear I tried to be mad at him. But then his confession happened. And I couldn't help it.</p>
<p>It took Ricky so long to calm down, and even longer to fall asleep. He stopped crying eventually, but he'd choke back tears every now and then. Every time that would happen I'd squeeze him closer into myself and kiss his forehead. It was burning.</p>
<p>At one point through the night, he whispered: "Thank you. Sorry I put you through the trouble". He probably thought I was asleep and I wouldn't hear him.</p>
<p>I thought it would be better if I pretended that I actually was asleep and ignore him. Instead, I brought his head closer to my heart and whispered back to him: "Don't worry".</p>
<p>He stayed silent after that. Soon enough, his breathing evened out and I knew he was asleep.</p>
<p>I drifted in and out of sleep the entire night, and I was painfully aware of the fact that I was holding Ricky in my arms during every moment. I thought of letting go a few times, but I never did. Somewhere along the way I just stopped caring. Yes, it was weird, this thing between us was complicated, but it was the right thing to do at this point of time, and that was all that really mattered.</p>
<p>Also, it was the thing that I wanted to do.</p>
<p>Why did I want to be there for a guy that pretty much hated my guts? I had no clue. But I decided that I would be there. I would be there for as long as he needed me, and once that he didn't need me things would go back to the way they were before.</p>
<p>I sounded painfully unlike myself.</p>
<p>As the morning rolled around and the first rays of sunshine landed started burning through my skin, I felt kind of sad that I'd have to let go of Ricky soon.</p>
<p>But eventually, I had to.</p>
<p>The alarm didn't wake him up, so I had to. He looked so peaceful and content. Once he was awake he'd remember what happened last night, and I wasn't sure how he'd react to it, but I was sure he wouldn't be looking like this. </p>
<p>Slowly, I sat up. I ran my fingers through his curly hair without really thinking about it. I realized that I did that and jerked my hand away. Then I realized that I was staring at him with a smile on my face. I forced myself to stop. </p>
<p>"Ricky", I whispered as I placed my hand softly on his shoulder, "time to wake up". He stayed calm, so I shook him lightly: "Ricky, you need to get up".</p>
<p>"Five...more...minutes", he grumbled. I looked up at my phone and sighed. It was 7:27 AM already. However much I'd like to leave him asleep for at least a little bit longer, we had to get to school. </p>
<p>"Ricky, you need to wake up", I tried putting a little more force into my voice, "or we'll be late". </p>
<p>He turned around on his back and tried rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. He looked up at me, and I saw the exact moment in which it all started coming back to him. His brown eyes were stained red from all the crying, which made them hypnotizing in a really scary way - in a way that made me feel like he was soon going to be just a ghost of himself. Without really thinking about it, I leaned in close to him and kissed his forehead. It comes to me as an afterthought that what I did was weird. </p>
<p>Note to self: One of these days EJ, you gotta start thinking!</p>
<p>We just stared at each other for a second there before I jumped up from the bed and started walking around the room. "That was weird", I tried to speak, but I wasn't sure what I wanted to say, "I'm sorry, I don't know what happened there, I don't know what got into me". </p>
<p>"We're never talking about that ever again", Ricky said throwing me a conspirational look. </p>
<p>"Nope. Nobody will ever know about this", I agree. </p>
<p>Pause. "EJ?", Ricky calls. </p>
<p>"Yeah?"</p>
<p>"Did you sleep like that?", he says as he seizes me from head to toe. </p>
<p>I look down at myself realizing that I'm wearing only my briefs. Hell, I must've forgotten to put on my PJs last night. I felt the heath spread on my face. "I...I'm sorry", I tried to explain myself, "I usually sleep like this, and last night was a bit crazy so I must've forgotten to get dressed, sorry". </p>
<p>"No, no", Ricky cut me off, "it's fine, really, don't worry, I was just...noticig...". He stopped and looked down at his feet. Then he must've noticed something else. "Um, EJ?".</p>
<p>"Yeah, what's up", I said while I searched my closet. </p>
<p>"I don't remember getting undressed last night", he was still staring at the floor, "did you...you know?". He finally looked up at me and I saw that his face had turned red. </p>
<p>"Yeah, yeah, I did", I lost my ability of coherent speech for the third time in those 5 minutes, "I didn't mean to... I didn't know what to do, you were having a breakdown and...".</p>
<p>"It's okay, just...", Ricky's face reddened even more. </p>
<p>"We're not talking about this ever again", I raised my eyebrow questioningly. </p>
<p>"And nobody will ever find out", Ricky added, shrugging innocently in the process. A small smile lingered on his lips, and I couldn't help but follow suit. Soon enough I was full-on laughing. This whole thing was a mess, I realized. </p>
<p>Ricky just stared at me. Maybe he thought I was finally going crazy. Then he smiled wildly too. His eyes were still tired, and his smile was colored in with sadness, but it was still a smile. It felt good seeing him like that. </p>
<p>We got ready in record time. I grabbed Ricky's shoulder before he could make his way outside of the apartment. "What?", he protested. </p>
<p>Without explaining myself I pulled him into a hug. He processed it for a brief moment, then he slowly wrapped his arms around me. I didn't blame him for being confused by the way that I was acting. Hell, I was confused by the way that I was acting. </p>
<p>"This is the last time I do this", I say once that we part, cause I realize just how odd what I did was. </p>
<p>"Promise?",  he threw me a weak smile. I think it kinda, you know, melted my heart.</p>
<p>"Promise", I smile back at him. </p>
<p>The ride to school was interesting, to put it that way. We stopped by some fast food place to get something to eat, and then we got into a fight because Ricky wanted me to leave him a block away from the school, which I protested against cause I didn't want him to be late. This resulted in me getting what I want because I was the older one here, and therefore, was automatically right. </p>
<p>Once I parked my car into the school's parking lot we waited until the coast was clear. Before Ricky would jump out from the car and sprint to the entrance he turned to me and said: "See you in rehearsals". That managed to put a smile on my face for whatever reason. Maybe I was starting to grow fond of the guy. I quickly erased that idea from my head. </p>
<p>The school went about as usual, but the stress and the fact that I've barely slept last night were started to get to me. My head kept falling down, I was drifting asleep and I kept stumbling into walls while I walked. Everyone else found it entertaining to watch. I did not. </p>
<p>By the time rehearsal rolled around I could barely keep my eyes open. Ricky wasn't doing much better. He was ghost-like. I guessed that he didn't tell anyone what was going on in his private life, cause if he did, someone would probably make him leave classes early. </p>
<p>Miss Jenn noticed that both Ricky and I were not having it today. That's why she started giving us one of her signature lectures - which basically always came down to her over-enthusiastically quoting High School Musical. I usually tuned her out in times like these, but this time I didn't even have to try. My mind was so foggy and all that I've heard were bits and pieces like: would Gabriella... so what would Troy Bolton do... keep your head in the game. It was the same speech every time anyway, I doubted that I've missed anything important. In the end, Miss Jenn decided to send both Ricky and me back home cause we are useless like this. She didn't say it exactly like that but I'm certain that's what she meant. </p>
<p>As I finished gathering my stuff I turned to see that the entire crew is staring at me and Ricky expectingly. "What", I asked. My eyes kept darting between Ricky and everybody else. </p>
<p>"Maybe someone should go with them", Carlos said to no one in particular. Everybody else quickly agreed. </p>
<p>"Oh, shut up", Ricky said, "we are not going to kill each other". </p>
<p>"Yeah", I decided I should support him, "we can act civilized for a few minutes". In reality, I didn't want anyone to come with us cause I was hoping I'd get another chance to talk to Ricky".</p>
<p>Miss Jenn looked uncertain. "Well, I highly doubt that", she said, "but I need everybody in here for the next number, so the two of you will have to go without a babysitter". She shot us a final warning look. "Behave", her voice was firm, "both of you". </p>
<p>We walked out of there, doing our best not to look at each other and to put some distance between us. As we got outside Ricky walked up to me. He probably decided it's safe for us to talk now. "Can I ask you something?", he said, placing his hand on my shoulder. Once he became aware of that gesture he quickly jerked it away. </p>
<p>"Sure thing", I led him through the sea of the parked cars. I didn't really want to talk to him in front of the school. Maybe we were taking this whole secrecy thing a bit to far? </p>
<p>Once we got to my car, he started biting his nails. Without looking at me he said: "Could I stay at your place for a few days? I know it's too much to ask..."</p>
<p>"Sure", I said simply. He looked up at me stunned. I nudged the passenger seat's doors open and shot him back a determined look. "Get in so we can get going". </p>
<p>"Cool. Thanks", he said getting in, "but can we stop by my house first? I need some stuff". </p>
<p>He gave me directions and a few minutes later I was parked in front of his house. During that time he explained that his aunt was coming over with her kids to stay for a few days and that he really didn't want to be there. It took him less than  5 minutes to run into the house, pack his stuff, and jump right back into the passenger's seat. It was an impressive timing. I was starting to feel a bit more awake, but my head was starting to ache. Having to pay attention to the road made things that much harder. Thankfully, we managed to get to my apartment without anything bad happening. </p>
<p>Once we were in my room, the reality of the situation dawned upon both of us. So far this felt like our fun little escapade, but now both of us were coming to terms with the fact we were stuck here with each other for a while, and that this game that we were playing was getting out of our hands. </p>
<p>I tried to think of a good thing to say but Ricky beat me to it. "Thanks, man", he said, "for everything". He was standing right in front of me, his head hung low and his voice was coloured with guilt and gratitude. </p>
<p>It reminded me of the last night. And I couldn't help it. My arms reached out for him. His head shot up and our eyes met. "Can I?", I whispered. </p>
<p>"I thought you promised not to hug me anymore", he tried to joke, but he leaned into me, and the next thing I knew was that he was pressed against me. It felt right in a really strange way.</p>
<p>"Well, we both know that I'm a liar", I said. I felt him choking back a laugh. I couldn't help imagining how everyone in the theatre crew would react if they saw us like this. They thought we hated each other. I mean, we used to. </p>
<p>"Look, I know we're not exactly friends", I spoke after a while, still holding him close to me "but if you wanna talk about the things you're going through you can. I hope that you know that. And If you don't want to talk about it, then I understand". </p>
<p>He parted away from me, I was expecting him to run away, but he was carrying a soft smile on his face. "I know, thank you", he said. He looked around the room: "and if you need to talk about something, you can talk to me you know that?". It stung a bit to hear that. My living situation and my family issues were not something I liked talking about. But I knew he had good intentions so I did my best to let it slide. "Can I ask for one more favor?", he said. </p>
<p>"Yeah", I replied without thinking. </p>
<p>"Can we stop hating each other?". He didn't give me a chance to answer: "I know we're not friends and all, but can we...like...be okay? Can we pretend that we are? Cause I don't wanna hate you anymore". </p>
<p>"Of course", I smiled and waved my head, "and I don't want to be this uncomfortable around you anymore. So as far as I'm concerned, we can pretend to be friends". </p>
<p>"Sounds good to me", Ricky said. "How about we go to sleep now, I'm feeling worn out". </p>
<p>"Sounds like a great idea to me", I say. "And I'll make sure I put on my pajamas this time around", I add as a joke. </p>
<p>"No need to", he says, much to my surprise. "Look, man", he adds once he realized how his words sounded, "I'm at your home, and that's how you're used to sleeping, and sure, I find it a bit weird, but I don't really care, so just go ahead and do whatever you're comfortable with". </p>
<p>I'm a bit taken back by his words, but I decide not to question it. Instead, I just start stripping down. Ricky quickly follows my example, and once he's wearing only his boxers he walks up to my closet and picks out one of my shirts. He looks at me and says: "Can I borrow this?".</p>
<p>"I mean, yeah sure", I say, still a bit confused, "but didn't you bring your stuff?"</p>
<p>"Oh I did, just, I don't know, this is kind of a tradition I guess", he says, and I can't help but laugh. </p>
<p>Once we're in bed he turns away from me. I think it out for a moment, then wrap my hands around him. </p>
<p>"What's that for?", he says. </p>
<p>"I just think that you need it", I decide to be honest. </p>
<p>"Well, I don't", he argues. </p>
<p>"Well, you're free to get out of my loving embrace at any time", I joke. But he doesn't. And we fall into the silence. </p>
<p>After a while, I can feel the sunlight starting to die out. I feel Ricky turn to face me and dig his head into my chest. I hear him start to cry. I pull him in closer.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ricky</p><p>I was starting to think that EJ was not that bad after all. Yeah, sure, he's used to getting what he wants, and that habit of his can get out of the hand sometimes. But we all have flaws. Nini can be indecisive but it doesn't make her a bad person. I suck at displaying emotion, but that doesn't make me a horrible human being. The only thing separating EJ from anyone else is that we perceive him as this stuck-up overly-ambitious guy, which prevents us from seeing any of his good sides. </p><p>And he's got good sides. He can be really supportive and compassionate. Plus, he's a really good cook, also, he gives the best hugs. When it comes down to it, EJ is a good person, and I feel bad that I'm just starting to see that now. </p><p>Staying at his place turned out to be a lot better experience than I expected. We had some fun playing board games and I showed him some skating videos on youtube, talking openly to each other was still uncharted territory, but we were getting there slowly. </p><p>Things were weird, but we left it unspoken. After that first night, when I woke up and realized EJ was holding me, I didn't try to get away, instead, I wrapped my arms tighter around him and dug my head into his chest a bit harder. We hugged a lot. It actually helped to have him around. He'd drive us to school, I'd try to get through the day without crying, we'd go back to his apartment, and I'd just lay in his arms and cry. Sometimes only for minutes, sometimes it took me hours to calm down. </p><p>Sadness came in waves, and I'd lie if I said that EJ wasn't my anchor. Was it because I was so desperate for anyone that I'd settle even for him, or I simply found his presence comforting, I didn't really know. Frankly, I didn't even care. Would it really be the end of the world if I trusted EJ? That's one question I hoped to get an answer for once I'm feeling like myself again.</p><p>But for now, the sadness was unexplainable. I wasn't sure I had reason to be sad. At one point, I thought I was being selfish again.</p><p>I actually said that to EJ.</p><p>He said that it's not wrong for me to be sad about this, that I should just let myself feel whatever I needed to feel.</p><p>It didn't magically solve my problems, I didn't stop doubting my emotions, but at least it helped ease my mind when things would get too tough.</p><p>When I started telling myself that I was acting like a brat, that my pain was unjustified, it was EJs voice in my head that made the world seem a little bit easier. It was EJ I could hold on to at night when my emotions tried to push me over the edge.</p><p>A few days ago, I wouldn't believe my own words, but right now I didn't care that it sounded insane, and I wasn't scared to admit it. EJ was there for me.</p><p>"You staying over the weekend?", EJ said to me in the car, right before the school was about to start. It was Friday morning, and we were waiting on the parking lot for the coast to be clear. </p><p>My mind was a mess and I was still so spacey, it took me a while to register the world around. But once that his words did get to my head I replied: "Yeah. If that's not a problem". </p><p>"No, no", he waved his head almost manically. He turned to me. His eyes were piercingly green, and I could sense that he was holding back from saying something. But eventually, he did: "To be completely honest, I like having you around". His face turned red, and I couldn't help but smile. "I mean, I...I don't mind you", he stuttered, "that is, I - you're not as bad as I thought you were. Not that I ever thought you were bad. I just wanted to say...".</p><p>"EJ", I cut him off. He bit his lip as he stared at me. "Calm down", I smiled, "I kind of like having you around too. Kind of". I saw the tension leave his body. And you were the only person that I could hold on to for these past few days, I thought to myself, and the only person who can make me smile right now. I never said any of that out loud. </p><p>"And another thing", EJ didn't dare turn around and face me when he spoke again. "I was thinking", he said, "maybe, we could start...you know...not hiding anymore..." I raised my eyebrow at him, but he never saw that gesture. "I mean, we're okay, you know, we're friends", he said, then proceeded to stutter again, "I mean, not - not friends, we are...well whatever we are".</p><p>"Frienemies?", I offer. </p><p>"Sure, we can go with that", his mouth form something that resembles a smile, "anyway, do you think we can act normal in front of the other people?".</p><p>"Define normal", I say. "EJ, our normal is hating each other", I add. He hangs his head low, and I feel a wave of guilt wash over me. Shouldn't have said that. He was the last person on earth that I wanted to hurt. I sighed: "Sorry, I... I really didn't mean that". He looks up at me waiting to say something else. So I do. "I... I know what you're thinking about", I almost whisper, "people are used to you and I hating each other, but now we... well, I'm not exactly sure where we're standing, but it isn't a bad place, and...". I trailed off. </p><p>"And people will get used to seeing us stand next to each other without coming into conflict", EJ picked up. He threw me a confident smile: "It sure as hell will be a process, but they'll get used to it". </p><p>I smiled back at him. "So", I say, my voice picking up on bits and pieces of his confidence, "we start today in rehearsal?".</p><p>"How about we start right now?", he winks at me and then turns around and smiles at our school. I get what he's up to immediately, and I pay along. We open our doors simultaneously and walk out of his car. And I must admit, it's not a bad feeling having this with EJ. Whatever this is.</p><p>Unfortunately, our something-like-friendship debut went unnoticed. But that doesn't matter. These past few days, classes were hell for me cause I kept thinking about everything going on in my life. Today, the only thing I could think about was how EJ and I'll drop our enemy act in rehearsal. And, while that was torture in its own way, it helped drive my thoughts away from everything else.</p><p>Come to think of it, EJ and I were... we were on the good terms for five days now. It felt like so much longer.</p><p>We passed each other by in between classes a few times. Each time we did I thought of making a move, saying hi to him, maybe even hugging him. That last one I realized was a bit too much, but I wanted to hug him. I could see he had the same struggle. Each time our eyes would meet and we'd just stare at each other, and I could tell that we were both thinking the same thing, but then the chance would slip out, and I'd wind up feeling both relieved and disappointed.</p><p>After one of the classes, and I believe it was History, but don't quote me on this cause I was too busy thinking about EJ to pay attention, Nini came up to me. I noticed Kourtney wasn't with her, which could only mean one thing - shit was about to get serious.</p><p>"Hey", I say, forcing a smile. It wasn't that I wasn't happy she decided to talk to me, it was just that things were complicated.</p><p>"Hey", she smiled back at me. It was one of those smiles that people give you when they're sorry for you but are trying not to show that. "I'm... I'm sorry if I'm bothering you", she said, "but do you think we could talk after rehearsal?".</p><p>I opened my mouth to seal the deal on that, but then I remembered that I was supposed to go to EJs after said rehearsals. "Uh, no, actually", I stumble out, "I've got some stuff".</p><p>"Oh", she sounds disappointed, "okay, but we can talk one of these days?".</p><p>"Yeah, yeah", I say, "I'd love that".</p><p>"Great", she smiles softly, "Then I'll see you at rehearsal today". With that, she skips out of my sight. I always admired her natural positivity. It made people feel good. This time around, however, it didn't help.</p><p>The thing was, I wasn't mentally prepared to lead any kind of conversation with Nini today. Besides, I was kind of excited to talk with EJ in front of everyone at rehearsal today. It was kind of a big deal for us, well, for me anyway. I have spent the entire day imagining everyone's reaction, and I was willing to bet my money that Carlos wouldn't survive the plot twist. </p><p>But rehearsal did not live up to my expectations. Nini came up to me again. We made small talk, and it's not that I wasn't happy about it... just, it made EJ keep his distance. I glanced at him a few times and he would just shrug helplessly and nod towards Nini. I couldn't blame him, this thing with us hanging out publically was hard to pull out even if we left our ex-girlfriend out of the equation. But Nini was pretty much a part of the equation, and may I use this as an opportunity to point out the fact that I am criminally bad at math. </p><p>For the entire rehearsal, I just kind of keep glancing at EJ, thinking if I should just walk up to him, hoping he'd walk up to me. Nini keeps trying to talk to me, but I really can't keep up with her right now, and it isn't anything important anyway. After it all ends I disappear from the room, feeling kind of disappointed. </p><p>I meet EJ back at the parking lot. "So", he says as he unlocks the doors to his car, "that didn't go the way we planned". </p><p>"No", I say, getting in, "I'm sorry". </p><p>"No, don't be", he says. He puts the car into motion, and soon we're driving. For those few moments, EJ tries to find the right words. "I know we didn't really go over the Nini situation", he points out the obvious, "but it didn't seem important". </p><p>"I just want us to be okay", I cut him off. "Okay", I keep my eyes on the road, "there's no need to make this complicated man, I just want us to be... I want us to keep this up". </p><p>"Yeah", EJ whispers beside me, "I want that too". </p><p>"So, can we just let go off the Nini thing, at least for now?", I say. </p><p>"Yeah", EJ sounds a bit uncertain, but I let it slide. I was getting so used that him that I've almost forgotten we'd need to cross this bridge sooner or later. </p><p>Ironically, the thing that brought us together was the only thing keeping us apart right now. </p><p>Seriously, if it wasn't for Nini, I would never join a musical, so EJ and I would never have met in the first place. And if I'm being honest, nobody else was in the play, not for real. Others might find it weird that the two of us are hanging out, but they'd get used to it eventually. Nini, on the other side, was in a different situation. We were her exes. </p><p>Did she still like any of us? Probably not, since EJ turned out to be a liar, and I turned out to possess an emotional range of a broken skateboard. Did EJ and I still like her? Well, I wasn't sure that I was able to feel anything like love right now, but EJ still liked her. </p><p>When we got to his apartment the things were still tense between us. I couldn't really blame him, but I couldn't blame myself either. It was just... complicated, and all I could do was hope that we can get through it. </p><p>EJ paces around the room for some time, before loudly exclaiming he's going in for a shower. I feel kind of bad for forgetting that this is a weird situation for him too.</p><p>I come closer to him and go for a hug, but he shrugs me off. Realizing what he had done, he gently places his hand on my shoulder. "Sorry", he whispers, "can we just talk about this later".</p><p>"I can go away", I say without thinking too much about it, "if it would make this all easier...".</p><p>"No", he cuts me off, "I don't want you to leave, okay". He stares down at his feet: "and, you know, it's... it's not just this Nini situation, okay... my life is kind of complicated without that".</p><p>"Oh. I'm sorry", I felt stupid for putting myself in the center of attention as always, "you know you can talk to me if anything's bothering you".</p><p>"Yeah", he said, smiling at me weakly, "thanks". With that, he leaves. </p><p>With nothing else to do, I throw myself into the bed. Of course, I could use this time to study, but it turns out that the constant stress drains great amounts of energy. So, studying is a big old no right now. Well, most of the things are a no right now. I hear EJs phone buzz on the counter. </p><p>One thing that I've learned these few days is that EJ showers for hours. Also, those hours are usually filled with hi trying to sing the entire Avril Lavigne's discography. It does not sound good. </p><p>This knowledge props me to get up and get his phone. I'm not into invading other people's privacy, but it might be something important, and God knows that EJ got into the shower seconds ago and it might take years for him to come out. </p><p>However, when I see that the message is from his father, I decide it's better to just ignore it. Sometimes I can be pretty dumb, but even I can notice some things. EJ drives a super-expensive car to school, yet he lives in a place like this. He doesn't even live with his parents, and he never talks about them. Even I can put two and two together. A wave of worry washes over me. I don't even know if I want him to talk to me about that. I'm kind of scared of what I might learn. </p><p>After that, I, very naturally, decide to see what EJ keeps in his gallery. What? I was already being invasive, why not take it all the way there? What I expected to find were a bunch of selfies and a couple of pictures of the sunset, EJ just seems like that person. I did not, however, expect to find a picture of myself, asleep, in my underwear, in his bed. For a second there, I didn't believe my own eyes. </p><p>The next couple of things that I did were, I believed very logical. I waited for EJ to come out of the shower - then proceeded to scream at him at the top of my lungs. Well, not on the top of my lungs, we were in the apartment, and I am well aware that people live here and I am not a maniac. Point is, I was loud. I'm not even sure what I said to him, the words just kept coming out, and all that I knew was that they were far from nice. Also, I knew that I've felt betrayed. </p><p>And, I don't know how to explain it - I know that he saw me in my underwear already, damn he slept next to me like that on multiple occasions. But this just felt... wrong. </p><p>I'm pretty sure that he tried to apologize, but I couldn't hear him from all the thundering that was going on in my head. Next thing I knew, I was storming out of his apartment, screaming at EJ not to follow me. </p><p>I took my phone out and called Nini. She picked up after the second ring and I tried to make my voice sound calm: "Hey, can we talk? I'll be at your place in 15 minutes".</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>EJ</p>
<p>It's a rare occurrence in the history of mankind that somebody looks forward to Monday. But here I was, hoping that Monday would hurry up and come already. </p>
<p> I spent the whole weekend playing back what had happened that Friday evening. I knew I was wrong for keeping that photo on my phone, hell, it taking that photo was a mistake in the first place. Yes, Ricky looked through my phone, he wasn't perfect either, but my mistake just felt...worse. Being honest, if it wasn't for that photo I wouldn't mind him looking through my phone. I wouldn't mind anyone looking through my phone, while we're at that. Other than that one picture I never had anything to hide. That was probably due to the fact that I was quite uninteresting. Before that night my life was quite uneventful, which is sad to say out loud, but it was the truth. Before Ricky, I was monotonous. </p>
<p>And God, this weekend made me realize just how uneventful my life was before Ricky and I got stuck in our enemies-who-have-sleepovers-way-too-often situation. Being without Ricky these two days felt like coming back home from the long vacation. You spend so much time enjoying yourself, living so far from everything you're used to, and when you come back, your day-to-day life seems bland and boring for some time. </p>
<p>I'm sorry.</p>
<p>I know that was dumb of me to do, I'm sorry.</p>
<p>Can we just talk?</p>
<p>Damn, Ricky, can you please just pick up your phone dude? I just want to talk to you about this, I know that taking that picture was wrong...</p>
<p>Can you just give me a chance to apologize?</p>
<p>My eyes traced over these and many other texts that I've sent to Ricky in these two days. I called him, probably one too many times, but he wouldn't answer. Part of me thought he was childish for not even bothering to give me a chance to talk to him. Part of me couldn't blame him. </p>
<p>What I did wasn't just plain wrong - it was borderline creepy. That picture was wrong on so many levels. I played his trust and taking a picture of somebody without their consent was very much illegal. I did enough googling to know that what I did wasn't considered pornography, thank God, but still, it felt like it. </p>
<p>But there was still Monday. I'll make everything right on Monday. Or at least I'll try to. </p>
<p>Turns out, Monday didn't go as I planned it. I wasn't sure what I had in mind, probably approaching him at rehearsal and apologizing in front of everyone. And he'd listen to me, at least. Maybe he'd hate me until the day he never has to see me again, but at least I'd get to say I'm sorry. </p>
<p>When I got to the rehearsal, my eyes landed on Ricky right away. Instantly I noted that his hair was a mess and his skin was paler than I ever imagined it could be. He stood near the wall, talking to Nini. My hopes were all over the place. He didn't look like he was extremely happy to talk to her, his head hung low, and I couldn't even hear him talk. But still - he was with Nini. </p>
<p>Nini tried to cheer him up, as she always does. She kept going on about music, her moms, skateboarding, and whatever, but nothing seemed to work. </p>
<p>As for me, I wasn't sure what to do. What I wanted to do is pull him to the side, say I'm sorry, hug a heck out of him, and hope he doesn't push me away. But a part of me was stopping me from doing that, from even looking at him for more than five seconds. That part of me was telling me to just give up. </p>
<p>I fucked up. I fucked up way more than once. Trying to fix this would only make all of this harder for him. It wasn't like his life wasn't hard enough on its own. Did he really need a guy who couldn't seem to make one right choice making it more complicated? </p>
<p>Rehearsal went on and my mind kept racing, calling back on everything that I did wrong ever. Truth be told - I wasn't the best guy around. I lied way too many times, I did way too many questionable things. I always did whatever I needed to do to get what I want, without thinking of the consequences, without even caring about the cause - but just because I'm used to getting what I want. </p>
<p>So what if this was the same? What if I didn't really care about Ricky? Maybe I just wanted forgiveness for the sake of having it my way. </p>
<p>"EJ", Miss Jenn's voice dragged me back down to earth. "EJ, sweety", she said in her signature sweet-talker voice, "Is everything alright? You seem a bit of". I caught a side glance of Ricky staring at me. He quickly turned away. </p>
<p>"Yeah, I'm...I'm fine", I lied. </p>
<p>"No, I wouldn't think so", she said clapping her hands together, "why don't you sit down for a few minutes, maybe talk to somebody about it".</p>
<p>I glanced around the room. Ashlyn wasn't there. I couldn't believe I didn't even notice my own cousin wasn't there up until, now. Miss Jenn was right, I needed to talk to somebody. But Ash wasn't there, and she is my go-to person for everything if I even had someone like that. I felt horrible for not noting her absence earlier. </p>
<p>I sat there, alone, for a few minutes, until Kourtney came up to me and dragged me out of the classroom. </p>
<p>"Okay", she said snapping her finger, "spill it". I wonder why she always has to act like this girl-boss feminist. I mean, I have nothing against girl-bosses or feminism, but Kourtney often took it way too far. "Now", she hissed at me.</p>
<p>"Why do you even care", I grumbled in response. </p>
<p>"Well, for once, you're killing the vibe man", she rolled her eyes, "and you're making everybody else uncomfortable". Did I really make everyone else uncomfortable? I didn't even notice. "Just say it already, I'm dying to know what's making the big EJ Caswell so upset", she tried once again. </p>
<p>"Can you stop Kourtney", I restrained myself from yelling, "my life isn't that easy, you know".</p>
<p>"Oh my, I'm sorry", she said in a borderline mocking voice, "I'd cry for you, really, but I have my mascara on, so...". </p>
<p>I couldn't believe it. "Why?", I said, my voice almost a maniacal laughter.</p>
<p>"Well it makes my eyes pop", she said before I could find any other words. </p>
<p>"Damn, Kourtney", I said, "why do you always have to be like this?"</p>
<p>"Like what", she placed her hands on her hips and raised her eyebrow at me.</p>
<p>"Why do you always have to act like this...this fake-woke TV drama character", I didn't even think about what I was saying, "it's not like you're not a super talented and amazing person without having to pretend".</p>
<p>"What I hear is, you think I'm amazing", she said, trying to act as if she wasn't taken aback by this. </p>
<p>"Yeah, of course that's the only part that you hear", I roll my eyes. </p>
<p>"Well, that's the important part", she smiles, "Besides, we're not here to discuss me, though I'd be happy to talk that topic some other time. So, will you tell me what's bothering you, or should I use my telenovela persona to annoy the information out of you?".</p>
<p>Just like that, everything that was happening with Ricky came rushing back to me. "It's...it's complicated", I whispered. </p>
<p>"What isn't", she said, "just start talking". When I remained silent for another minute Kourtney spoke again: "Look, I know I'm Nini's friend, and that things are rough between the two of you, and I can guess that seeing her with Ricky is bothering you, and maybe I'm not the first person you'd choose to talk to about this, but I'm trying here man, so just give me a chance.". Her voice sounded more sincere than I ever thought it could be.</p>
<p>"It's...it's not about Nini", I said. Her eyes pierced through me, and I guess you can call this a blind shot, but I really needed to vent to someone, and I decided I trust Kourtney. "Look, can this stay between us?".</p>
<p>"Sure man", she punched my shoulder playfully. </p>
<p>"It's...it's about Ricky", I managed to say. </p>
<p>She sighed. "Look, I know it can be hard seeing Nini...".</p>
<p>"No, it's....this has nothing to do with Nini", I cut her off. She stared at me blankly, waiting for a further explanation. "Ricky and I gotten into a fight on Friday". Saying it out loud made it feel that much real. </p>
<p>"Well, to be honest, that's kind of how the two of you usually roll", she smiled carefully. I was pretty sure that she could sense a surprise coming. </p>
<p>"This stays between us?", I whisper.</p>
<p>"Yeah, I already promised it would", she reassured me, "just tell me what happened".</p>
<p>I took a deep breath. This was complicated to explain, especially without giving too much away. "Something...something happened to me and Ricky, and please don't ask what cause I can't tell you that", I finally managed to find a way to express this. </p>
<p>She didn't even bother to hide a shock from her face. "Well, now I'm interested", she said.</p>
<p>"Anyway", I continued before she could ask any questions, "I...I think we were kind of becoming friends, or at least I hope we were". I waited for her reaction, but she just stared at me. "We tried not talking in front of all of you cause we thought you'd die of shock", I tried explaining. </p>
<p>"Well, that was probably a right call", she smiled. It made me ease up a bit.</p>
<p>"Anyway, I...I fucked up big time", I said, my voice as heavy as lead, "and now, I'm pretty sure Ricky will never talk to me again". I was certain that this was the first time that Kourtney has ever been left speechless. "I kind of liked having him around", I added before I could change my mind. </p>
<p>After a brief pause, Kourtney manage to find her words: "well, what did you fuck up exactly?"</p>
<p>"Oh, you know, basically his trust", I said sarcastically. </p>
<p>"Could you be any more specific?", she rolled her eyes playfully. </p>
<p>"I'd rather not", I say, "this is kind of new territory for me". We exchanged looks of understanding. "Please just don't tell anyone about this, especially not Nini", I said clearing my throat. I didn't really expect a confession round with Kourtney today, but I guess that's what I got. </p>
<p>"No worries", she winked, "and you know, you should probably talk to people about your problems". </p>
<p>As soon as she said that, I felt bad for not telling Ash about this. She was always there for me, and I talked about this with Kourtney before my own cousin. I didn't regret telling this to Kourtney, but I promised myself I'd talk about this with Ash today after school. If she doesn't have bigger problems of her own, that is. </p>
<p>"So", I start getting a bit uncomfortable, "what now".</p>
<p>"Well, right now we go back in there and carry out this rehearsal", she says pointing to the classroom door, "and after that, we start devising a TV drama worthy master plan to get you and Ricky to be friends again".</p>
<p>"I don't really wanna do anything, and I wouldn't like anyone getting involved", I try to say, but Kourtney grabs me by my hand and drags me into the classroom. </p>
<p>"Too late, I'm already working on it", she whispers so only I can hear her. "Miss Jenn", she exclaims, "I fixed this one for you". </p>
<p>In a weird way, it made me feel a little bit better. And having her by my side gave me a bit of hope, even though I was certain she'd come up with some crazy plan. I stared at Ricky. It still stung seeing him sad. But maybe I could fix this. Not right now, but one day at a time.</p>
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<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ricky</p><p>The worst thing of it all was, after all of this mess, I still had to spend a full two hours with aunt Hilary and her devilish offspring. I myself don't even know how'd I managed too pull 'my-life-is-not-falling-apart' act so well, but I did it. Maybe being in a musical woke up my acting abilites? </p><p>Finally, the engine roaring outside was a god-sent sound. As the sound of tires became more and more distant, I was happy to say a silent goodbye to my last distraction. Naturally, the next thing I did was lay in the bed, and make a desperate attemt at becoming my own distraction. </p><p>After I while I realised that there's no point at trying to fight it. With my eyes fixated upon the ever-the-same ceiling of my room, I started thinking about my mom. </p><p>I thought about the fact that she was mostly not around to see me grow up, about a possibility that one day down the road, she'll stop being there altogether. </p><p>I was never big on 'what happens after we die' but for the next few hours I became an expert on that topic. Well, as much of an expert as you can become when it comes to things like that. </p><p>See I figured out a secrted of life:<br/>It happens. </p><p>Now, I know that this might not be some super wise observation, but does it have to be? </p><p>Maybe there's a reason for everything, and maybe every single thing that has ever happend was just a coincidence. Maybe there is heaven for good people, hell for the bad ones - or maybe there's nothing at all waiting for us on the other side. Maybe there's no the other side. But there is this world, this life around us, that keeps happening every hour of every day, over and over again. </p><p>I don't know. Maybe life and that are way bigger than any of us could ever imagine, maybe they are nothing but a string twisted by fate. </p><p>I don't know for how long I lay there, rolling around my bed, thinking about my mom, about life, and how it ends. How I don't know anything. </p><p>What finally gets me back into the realm of the living is yet another text message from EJ. </p><p>Even then, I try to fight it, as I search for comfort in certainty of death. </p><p>See, death is inevitable. Wheather you wish for it or not, it awaits all of us at the end of the road. No matter what you do, how much you fight it, it comes. When you think about it long enough, it becomes weirdly reassuring. </p><p>Death is, just as life, quite a simple thing.</p><p>On the other hand, whatever is going on between EJ and me, is far from simple. </p><p>So I try my best not to think about him. And it works for me, at least for a while. Then I realize one thing - maybe I own him this. Maybe I own him a chance to apologise. </p><p>Because you see, <br/>Maybe life was meant to happen this way. Maybe I was meant to meet EJ's good side at this moment of time. <br/>Or maybe these last few day weren't planned by universe, they just happened on their own.<br/>But whatever this is, wheater a thing that's been set up by higher power, or a total coincidence, I don't think I was ready to give it up just yet. </p><p>But EJ had to wait. Cause I had one other person I had to talk to first. </p><p>I walk downstairs to find my dad sitting in the living room. The only lighting in the room comes from the TV that's playing one of those cooking shows, my dad though, he's looking right through the piece off wall above it. </p><p>"Dad", I say carfully. He turns around to face me. For a moment I can see the tiredness in his face, outlined by the flickering light of the TV. He tries to mask it by putting on a smile. </p><p>"Hey Ricky", he tries to sound cheerful, but his voice comes out hollow. Without a word, I walk to the sofa and sit down. He stares at me for a while before saying: "Alaways love having your aunt Hilary around, what a shame you only got two hours with her and the kids". </p><p>I crack a small laugh: "yeah, such a shame". </p><p>My dad looks away, a weak smile forming on his lips for just a second. He sighs: "It's hard to believe sometimes that she's realted to your mother". </p><p>I get what he means. Though my parents divorced long time ago, a legend has it that they were once madly in love. For a longest time I thought about it - how could they fall out of love? </p><p>With everything that has happened within a past few days, I'm starting to think that they didn't. That you can't really fall out of love, at least not completely. You can decide that maybe things are not as great as you thought they'd be, that it would be better if you kept your distance from that person, but you can never stop caring about that person completely. </p><p>"Look Ricky", when my father talks again his voice is almost trembling, "I know that you must be scared right now..." </p><p>"Yeah", I keep my voice calm, "I am". Before he manages to say anything else, I say: "Dad, don't worry". I don't know what to say after that. But neither does my dad. "That's just how life someone is", I finally find my words. </p><p>My dad nods. "Well then", he says, "but if you ever need to talk about anything...". </p><p>"I do", I cut him off again, "want to talk to you about something".<br/>He looks at me in surprise. </p><p>"Okay then", he says, his voice finally steadying. </p><p>I take a deep breath, as I try to find a way to put everything that's been going on for the past few day into words. </p><p>"What's going on with mom scares me", I breathe out, "don't think it doesn't. And please don't think that I don't care". He shots me a worried look. <br/>"But I don't know how to talk about it right now", I go on, "I don't know if there's something that we could say or do that would make this easier, so, right now, I don't really wanna talk about mom". </p><p>"Then what do you want to talk about?", my dad's visibly confused now. </p><p>"I'm not sure", I shake my head lightly, "there are just so many things that don't make sense right now". </p><p>"Like what?", he says. </p><p>"Like... like Nini and me breaking up and...", I struggle to explain it, "... and it's not even about break-up, it's that we were friends for so long, and now... nkw there's this tension between us, and it feels so...". I pause to take a deep breath. </p><p>"It feels like nothing in this world makes sense anymore, yiu know", I stare at my feet, trying to hold back tears. </p><p>"I have a feeling this is not only about Nini", dad's voice is deep and soothing. </p><p>"No, no, of course it's not", I say, "it's just... so many things changed all at once, and...and I'm - I'm not sure what to do, or say, or feel".</p><p>My dad nods slowly: "Well buddy, sometimes that's just what life is".</p><p>"That's just what life is", I echo his words. </p><p>"Things always change", he says, "and sometimes it happens all at once, and there is really nothing we can do about it". </p><p>"But how do we live with it?".</p><p>He looks at me with a sad smile all over his face: "you do your best". </p><p>Those words linger in the air before he goes on. "You do your best, and hope others will follow", he says, "you do your best to be a good person, to make everybody around you feel loved".</p><p>"You make your best attempt at living", I say. </p><p>"Yeah", he whispers into his hands. </p><p>"So I try my best to make sure mom knows I love her", I say. I can see my dads eyes swelling up with tears. "And I do my best to fix things with Nini". He nods. "And, you know, if there's someone who kind of hurt me, but is feeling sorry about it, then I try my best to forgive them?". </p><p>"Yeah, that's what you do", he says. </p><p>Getting up from the sofa, I smile weakly at him: "Well, then, I think I have something I have to do". </p><p>I can feel my dad's gaze at me as I walk up the stairs. Before I get out of his sight I turn around.</p><p>"Hey, dad", I say. </p><p>"Yeah?"</p><p>"You know I love you, right?". </p><p>He laughs. "Well I do now", he says, "and you know I love you too". </p><p>"Yeah, I know", I yell as I dissappear upstairs. </p><p>When I get to my room, I pick up my phone and finally read all of the messages EJ has sent me. It's weird that, out of all the things in my life, this one is the most solvable one. </p><p>Last few texts read:</p><p>Dude, just talk to me already. <br/>Look, I'm really sorry, okay, I don't even know why I took that picture in a first place. <br/>I deleted it, okay?<br/>I never would've shown that to anyone. <br/>Ricky? <br/>Cmon, just answer me already. </p><p>Reading all of it makes me feel bad, cause I made EJ feel bad. I mean, him taking that picture was weird and stuff, but it did no harm. Plus, I went looking around his phone, and that's not the nicest thing either. </p><p>Truth is, I have no idea what I want to say to him. How to fix this? Why do I even wanna fix this? <br/>It's just...it's weird. <br/>But I do want to fix it. </p><p>I spend the longest time thinking what to write. For a while I debate just calling him up, but it's pretty late already, and he might be sleeping. Plus, I don't really wanna talk about it over a call, it would feel to strange. </p><p>In the end I decide just texting him</p><p>Hey</p><p>would be an ideal solution. </p><p>EJ replied within two minutes: </p><p>Hey. <br/>Dude, I'm really sorry. </p><p>I typed out my message before he had a chance to get into another apology spiral:</p><p>I know. <br/>I read all of your texts. <br/>There are LOTS of them. </p><p>He replied:</p><p>Yeah, sorry about that too. </p><p>Then no one said a thing for a few moments, I guess we were both trying to figure out the best way to approach this. Finally, EJ sent another text:</p><p>Look, I really am sorry for doing that. I don't know why I took that picture, I guess it seemed funny at the moment, but it's just weird. Anyways, as I said, I already deleted it so... yeah... sorry. </p><p>I did my best to put this problem to rest:</p><p>It's fine. I mean, it was a bit...uncomfortable finding that picture on your phone... I mean you could've at least told me about it. <br/>But you know, I went through your phone, so I guess I'm not perfect either. </p><p>After a while he responds:</p><p>Well... <br/>I hope you're not back to hating me now... </p><p>I quickly respond to that:</p><p>I'm not... it was just weird... but I think that we can just forget about it. <br/>But I should warn you, I'll get my revenge... </p><p>EJ replies:</p><p>That's nice to hear. <br/>I mean, that you don't hate me. <br/>As for the revenge, can I know what you're planning to do exactly? </p><p>I reply:</p><p>Nope. </p><p>EJs next text comes fast:</p><p>Does it imclude taking pictures? </p><p>I decide to mess with him a little:</p><p>Well, if you have to know<br/>I planned on taking a picture of you in your underwear and making it my family' Christmas card. </p><p>EJ replied:</p><p>Lol<br/>If that's all it takes to fix this, I can send you a picture right now. </p><p>Well, that was certainly not a way I was expecting this conversation to go. <br/>But, hey, EJ and I were talking again, and I must admit, it felt good to talk to him again. Even if the conversation was a bit weird. At least it was fun. So I decide to go with the joke, even though I didn't really plan on getting any kind of revenge (mainly because I don't have energy fkr revenge right now). </p><p>No, no, I have to take the picture myself, you're a pretty bad photographer. </p><p>To which EJ replied:</p><p>Fine, I don't really care, you know I'm not exactly shy... <br/>But could you skip the part where you make that picture a Christmas card? </p><p>I replied:</p><p>We'll see. </p><p>EJs next text read:</p><p>I can work with that... <br/>... so... are you okay? </p><p>This sudden change of topic caught me off guard. I truly didn't long to be reminded of my own life. So I say:</p><p>Yeah... <br/>well... I'm trying to be. <br/>I don't know... <br/>I don't really wanna talk about it. </p><p>EJ replied:</p><p>okay<br/>... so, I'll see you one of these days? </p><p>I think about it for a moment. After all of this, I really wanna see EJ. I can't explain why, but I do. So I send a text:</p><p>Yeah, tomorrow? <br/>I really need to start working on my Christmas card soon... </p><p>EJ replies:</p><p>Great, tomorrow then. </p><p>Last text that I sent before I go to sleep goes:</p><p>Great.<br/>Goodnight then. </p><p>And I don't wait for a reply, cause if I did, I wouldn't be able to stop myself from talking to him.</p>
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